Date Posted: November 22nd, 2010
After an unintended two-week vacation from updating the blog, I’m getting back to it this week.
And on that note, here’s a quick post on how to get back on the wagon.
Guilt / Shame
It’s natural to feel guilty or shameful after having gotten off the wagon. You had hopes for yourself. You thought you could trust yourself. You disappointed yourself. You want to fix things, so you wallow in guilt because it seems like guilt should be a good motivator.
“I’m ashamed of myself” –> “I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself” –> “I do things to avoid this feeling in the future.”
The problem is it doesn’t work this way. It certainly hasn’t for me.
Here’s the thought progression I go through:
“I’m ashamed of myself” –> “I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself” –> “I really don’t want to do things because I’m shamed into them.” –> “I’m stuck.”
Sometimes I end up doing the things I’ve been shamed into, but it’s usually for reasons other than shame. Example: I have homework assigned on Monday that’s due on Friday. Monday – Thursday I feel guilty about not having done my homework yet since I’ve had plenty of time. Thursday evening I finally do my homework. I do it because I don’t want to fail. I don’t do it because of the guilt/shame.
Step 1: Notice When You’re Feeling Guilty. Ask yourself when guilt has been useful to you in the past. Guilt is used so often that it can be hard to wrap your mind around that idea that it doesn’t work. That’s why you need to take an honest look at how guilt and shame have affected your productivity in the past. I’ll bet that more often than not it’s paralyzed you rather than motivated you.
Also, really, do you want to use hating yourself as motivation to do good things? Do you want to do good things out of fear of self-punishment?
Why Did You Get On the Wagon?
You had some sort of motivation for getting on the wagon in the first place. What was it? Get in touch with that feeling… with the excitement.
Maybe the reason you started to work on your painting was because you had this beautiful image in your mind’s eye that you wanted to see on canvas. Maybe you stopped painting because you forgot how beautiful the end result will be. Reveling in the future beauty can be enough of a motivator to get you back to your easel and your paints.
Step 2: Figure out what your original, intrinsic motivation was. Feel the excitement. Start moving.
Given the choice between motivation by guilt and being motivated by the excitement that got me started…
Similarly, let’s say you were the recipient of volunteer work. Who would rather receive services from: Someone doing it because they were guilted into it or someone doing it because they genuinely wanted to?
Let go
Maybe the reason you want to do your homework early is because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do. You can hear your parents’ saying how they wished you’d work on your homework as soon as you got it, but the voice is always theirs, not yours. You got off the “doing your homework early” wagon because it wasn’t your wagon. It was your parents’. You had a not-very-compelling extrinsic motivation, not an intrinsic one.
Step 3: If you don’t have an intrinsic motivation, let go of your guilt. It’s not your problem. This step is harder than it sounds.
In the Middle
Many times the situation won’t be clear. You may realize you’re primarily motivated for extrinsic reasons, but you still feel compelled to keep trying. Or maybe you have good intrinsic motivations but you keep feeling stuck. In these cases, look deeper until you find a fear or an intrinsic motivation or both.
Going back to the school example. Maybe you look further and find that you do actually like learning. When you get into the homework, you don’t mind doing it, and most of the time you actually enjoy yourself. However, you’re afraid if you don’t take the time right after school to watch TV you won’t watch any TV by the time you go to sleep. So you procrastinate on the school work and it’s hard to muster up the energy to do homework after the fun of TV is over.
Some possible solutions might be to try limiting the time you spend on not-due-tomorrow homework. Maybe spend only an hour on it each day right after school, and promise to spend at least an hour each day doing something purely fun. Or something. The next time you get off the wagon, you can ask yourself if you’ve been getting enough time to yourself and you can remind yourself of how much you love and want to learn. You have a place to start.
Once you figure out what the underlying fear is and what the intrinsic motivation is, coming up with things to try is straightforward. Just think of a solution that might work, feels alright, and try it.
The homework example has both an intrinsic motivation and a fear, and I think most of the time we get off the wagon, it’s because of a combination of the two. There’s some reason we got started. There’s some fear that this change in behavior is aggravating.
Step 4: If you’re motivation isn’t compelling enough but you can’t let go, look for the fear that’s stopping you and the intrinsic motivation that’s keeping you from quitting.
If you’re really stuck ask a friend to help you out. They may be able to see what you’re afraid to admit.
A Bit More On Analyzing Failure
Analyzing failure has it’s place, but it shouldn’t be the default thing you do. Instead your default action should be to figure out what it is you’re trying to do.
If your goal is to get back on the wagon, then it’s much more fruitful to remember why you got on it in the first place.
If your goal is to prevent getting off the wagon in the future, then analyzing why you got off is useful.
It’s tempting to start analyzing first. It feels good to figure out why you failed. But knowing why you failed won’t help you get started again. Use the right tool for the job.
Apologize and Move On
It’s more important to move on than it is to apologize. If someone hasn’t updated their blog in months, and out of the blue starts again with no explanation for why they left and why they’re back again, it’s easy to forgive them if they just start updating regularly. On the other hand if they write a long apology including plans for the future and then the blog goes silent…. well. Empty apology, much?
The same goes for promises to yourself. If you exercises for 3 months straight and then stop for no reason, it’s way better to just start up again without formally apologizing to yourself than it is to apologize, make more promises, and then not do anything. In fact not doing anything at all is better than an empty apology.
If you have a history of making empty apologies, try this instead. Try getting back on the wagon, and don’t explain yourself. Just do it. After some specified amount of time, allow yourself to go back and apologize for that gap. Use apologizing as an incentive to actually make the change.
Good Luck!
Tags:
Emotional Health, Self-Discipline.
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Date Posted: October 14th, 2010
I debated with myself about whether or not a post on why TPLT hasn’t succeeded belongs in my “Many Bad Business Ideas” series. After all, I’m still writing in it and I still intend to grow it into something great. All of the other ideas were things I discarded. This one doesn’t fit that model.
At the same time, I’ve been writing in TPLT for the past two years, my posts have on the whole been useful and interesting (I think), but I still only have a handful of readers and a trickle of traffic. Some would say that constitutes a ‘bad business idea’, and in any case, something ought to be written about why TPLT is still in the beginning stages two years after it got started. That’s this post.
If I could only use two words to describe why TPLT hasn’t seen success it’d be these: Mental Blocks.
The “Who Am I To Talk” Mental block.
A year or two ago, right around the time I was graduating from college, I got asked by one of the adults I know what I was planning to do when I graduated. The first thought that came to my head was “I should talk about my blog” but then I got this overwhelming sick feeling. How could I say, “I’m working on my blog about living consciously”? How presumptuous of me to think I have the authority to write about such a mature topic. I have no qualifications to write about that. I haven’t accomplished anything. Who was I to talk? So I told him I was going into web design…
It’s not too hard to see why this mental block–that I’m not mature/experienced/qualified/special/whatever enough to have my writing on living consciously taken seriously–kept me from growing TPLT. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to people about what I was doing, which meant no on knew about what I was doing, which meant word about my blog wasn’t being spread.
Two years later, I’ve realized that what I needed was a better angle. Writing about ‘Living Consciously’ was too big for me. That’s the kind of thing a ‘guru’ writes about, and I don’t feel comfortable with that role. (And from what I’ve read, neither do many modern day gurus.)
My angle today is this: I write about my experience building my small online sewing business and… other hopefully helpful stuff. Much more comfortable. Maybe one day it’ll feel natural to claim I do some lofty thing like, “help people live better lives”, but right now that’s not me… and that’s OK.
The “I Don’t Talk About This Stuff In Real Life” Mental Block
This one is related to the “Who Am I To Talk” mental block. I didn’t talk about this stuff in real life because I felt insecure about it. I felt insecure about it because I wasn’t used to letting this side of me talk in real life. Ah cycles.
This has slowly been changing.
As I’ve read more and more books on personal development, I’ve found myself naturally talking about the topics I write about here. Usually I have some expert I can quote, which makes me feel more comfortable stating my opinion. (Not that everyone cares about what some ‘expert’ says.)
Every once in a while I let people in real life know about the blog, and I’m finding out that more people I know from real life are reading it blog… and nothing bad has happened because of it…
I’ve been working on having my writing style match my speaking style (elipses, parentheses and all), meaning the person on the blog is more like the person I am in real life.
All of these things mean that TPLT is becoming easier and easier for me to promote. I’m not forcing anything. I’m not doing the “fake it ‘til you make it” thing. I’ve been working on making my underlying insecurities dissappear, and that has been paying off.
The “I Can’t Write When I’m Not Inspired” Mental Block
If you look at the archives you’ll notice I haven’t really kept a strict posting schedule. It’s gotten a lot better since I started the Weekly Check-ins, but before that… it was all over map. For some months I posted 10 posts. Others I missed entirely. On the whole my posting had been pretty infrequent until a couple months ago.
The explanation for this is… a bit involved, but one big part is that in the beginning I resisted the idea of scheduling time for writing. I’d found the few times I scheduled time to write, I’d go into my writing session with no inspiration whatsoever. I’d struggle to find a topic, then force myself to write something. Not fun.
Contrast that to when I wrote while I was inspired. Everything flowed. I knew exactly what I wanted to write. The content of what I was writing was better. Really everything was better. The only problem was that inspiration struck at inopportune times. Sometimes it was when I was doing something else pleasant like, say, spending time with friends or family. Other times it was while I was trying to get out of doing less fun things I had to do.
Then I read The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. It’s quoted a lot on personal development blogs, and while I have my problems with it (it’s a bit too violent for my taste) there’s a lot of good information in there. Particularly there’s a bit where he talks about an author’s experience with inspiration.
Someone once asked Somerset Maugham if he wrote on a schedule or only when struck by inspiration. “I write only when inspiration strikes,” he replied. “Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o’clock sharp.”
That’s a pro.
In terms of Resistance, Maugham was saying, “I despise Resistance; I will not let it faze me; I will sit down and do my work.”
Maugham reckoned another, deeper truth: that by performing the mundane physical act of sitting down and starting to work, he set in motion a mysterious but infallible sequence of events that would produce inspiration, as surely as if the goddess had synchronized her watch with his.
He knew if he built it, she would come.
When I read that something clicked. I knew he was right. Having a specific time and place set aside for creative work invites inspiration. By writing even when I don’t feel like, more often than not I’ll end up feeling inspired. I just have to do it.
I read that passage over a year ago, and it’s only been in the past month or so that I’ve really gotten a handle on writing consistently. It took so long because I spent a lot of time struggling with scheduling a time for writing. Taking an hour or two in the morning before work was hard because my morning routine takes a while, and I end up resenting having to stop to go to work. In the evening I have a lot of activities and my creative energy is often zapped by then. Bleh. What I didn’t realize is that, while having a scheduled time and place is nice, it doesn’t matter where my long stretch of time is, as long as I have it. I’ve also found having some ritual to set the tone helps. My ritual is taking a few sips of hot tea before writing.
Today I trust myself to keep to a posting schedule, which has neutralized another mental block I had: I was afraid of disappointing readers by my low and irregular posting schedule and my inability to keep my posting promises. Now that I’ve proved to myself that I can sustain a regular schedule, I’m less worried about sending new readers packing.
The “My Blog’s Name is All Wrong” Mental Block
Also related to the “My Theme Sucks” Mental block.
ThePathLessTraveled was originally called “LaVieConsciente”, French for “The Conscious Life”. Picking a French name was a terrible idea. How could I expect readers to remember my blog’s name if they couldn’t pronounce it correctly? So I got into the “I won’t promote my blog until the name is changed” rut. Of course my name changed and I still didn’t really promote my blog. Part of the reason for that was all of the other mental blocks I’ve already talked about, but there was another reason too…
…I don’t like my theme. I think it looks amateurish, and I’m afraid it’ll turn people away. Working on the theme takes time, though, and I barely have enough of that for writing. So, I figured I’d wait until I had more time to fix the theme and then I’d promote my blog.
Of course, that’s just another excuse. I am still planning to change my theme and get a logo and all that jazz, but I’m not going to wait until then to promote the blog.
The “I Don’t Know Who My Target Audience Is” Mental Block
That’s not entirely true. I’d love to have people like my younger self reading this blog. But I don’t know where people like her are hiding. I don’t think they’re reading the blogs of other personal development people…
Again, this is just an excuse. If I post around the Internet enough, my people will self-select, other people will recommend my blog to my people, etc. I just have to get off my arse and do it.
The “My Writing Sucks” Mental Block
I never worried much about the content of my writing. I’ve felt pretty confident that my ideas are good enough compared to what else is being written. My writing is another story. I know with time it’ll improve, and people aren’t that picky about writing quality, but still. I want to be known as someone who expresses her thoughts well, and it’s frustrating to see my attempts and know they aren’t what they could be. So I played the “I don’t want to promote my blog until my writing quality is good enough” game. Excuses again.
The “I’m Uncomfortable With Becoming a Popular Blogger” Mental Block
When I first started thinking about maybe pursuing blogging, I was put off by blogs like ProBlogger because of their rhetoric, specifically how they talked about their readers. It’s hard to describe accurately (something like readers are more like numbers than people), but it was enough to know that it’d be something I’d have to deal with. Could I handle having thousands of readers? Would I start treating them as some amorphous blob too?
To be honest, I still don’t know how I’ll handle it, but I do know I’m a lot less scared by the idea than I was two years ago.
The Primary Technical Problem
You’ve probably noticed that the one thing I think TPLT has been missing is promotion. I haven’t been comfortable doing the necessary things to get the word out about my blog.
Next month I’ll be starting a different chapter of my life, and I’m planning to actively promote this blog and do what needs to be done to make TPLT a success. If after doing that I still only have a handful of readers, I’ll pay for a blog review… or something.
Was TPLT a “Bad Business Idea”? No, not really. It’s just taken a long time for me to work through my mental blocks, to align myself with success. That’s not atypical for worthwhile goals.
Next week’s post–the last post in the “Many Bad Business Ideas” series–will be about how I’d go about figuring out what career I wanted to pursue if I had to do it all over again.
Tags:
Business, Career, Mental Blocks, Self-Discipline.
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