Date Posted: April 30th, 2010
Dear Monique,
The other day I was with with some friends and we ended up talking about a touchy subject I have strong feelings about. I wasn’t sure if I should bring up said strong feelings because I know my friends don’t share my beliefs. I feel conflicted. On the one hand I feel like I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind. On the other hand, no one asked for my opinion or to be challenged. What should I do? When is it alright to rock the boat?
-Quietly Opinionated
Hi Opinionated,
The time to bring up your opinion is when you’re doing it to express yourself, not to change anyone. When sharing your beliefs is about letting your friends get to know you better, they won’t think badly of you–at least they won’t if they’re sane–and they’ll be more likely to come around to your way of thinking.
The reason this works is that expression by itself isn’t threatening. There’s no pressure on your friends to change. They can listen–and later reflect–in safety and comfort. There’s no need for them to expend energy defending their beliefs because you aren’t attacking.
There is a chance that your friends will want to attack challenge you, though. In that case you have two options:
One, you can insist that you’re not interested in debating it right now. This has the advantage of killing the conversation. You get the last word and everyone else can ponder what you’ve said. The disadvantage is you don’t get to test your beliefs.
Two, you can debate but I’d highly suggest that you do this only if you’re willing to change your opinion. If you’re willing to do that you’ll be more able to listen to the arguments your friends make, you’ll have more self-restraint when presenting your side (i.e. you’ll be able to avoid saying hurtful things), and you’ll be able to filter out any mean things your friends might saying while they’re on the defensive. If you aren’t detached chances are someone’s feelings will get hurt. :-/
No matter what, don’t let fear of an argument be the primary reason you stay quiet. You don’t have to argue or defend your beliefs. You can state them and be done with it. No one gets hurt and everyone learns something.
Good Luck!
This post is part of the “Ask Monique” series. Click the link for easy access to other posts in this series.
Tags:
Detachment, Relationships.
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Date Posted: April 23rd, 2010
I've never understood the "lone wolf" idea.
Is INDEPENDENT
Independence is about taking responsibility for your life. It’s about doing what you intend to do independent of what other people say. It’s about not waiting for permission to go out and do your thing.
It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s necessary. It’s insufficient.
Is DEPENDENT
Dependence is about realizing you need help to do what you need to do. You alone can only do so much. None of us is truly independent. Look at all the stuff you have. How much of it did you make yourself? If you have anything that you didn’t make yourself–start to finish–you’ve been dependent on someone else to have that thing. Dependence is part of the human condition.
Is INTERDEPENDENT
Interdependence is about both independence and dependence. It’s about being responsible for your actions and accepting help from those who can help you.
Also it’s about giving back. In order for an interdependent society to work, all parties have to give and receive. If you’re interdependent you give freely when someone can use your help and it won’t make you feel resentful. Giving greases the wheels for getting. People are way more willing to help when they feel like they’re paying you back for all the help you’ve given.
An Example: My Wedding
My wedding has turned out to be a lot of work. I’m making my own dress and the dresses for two of my bridesmaids. My choir is singing during the ceremony. Aaron’s dad and step-mom are playing music during the ceremony. We did our own invitations. … And a bunch of other stuff.
If you look at it from far away it almost looks like Aaron and I are doing it all ourselves. That’s anything but true, though.
My dress–which I mostly made myself–has been worked on by more people than just me. From the costuming expert in my local SCA chapter to my sewing savy friends from singing, I really didn’t do all that much of it. Same goes for the bridesmaid’s dresses. Luckily I have an awesome social network filled with talented, generous people. 
Music-wise I gave my choir over to one of our talented members to direct during the ceremony. Without his help things would be… interesting.
Invitation wise we got some help with folding paper and stuffing envelopes. We got a friend to draw up the main invitation. We also bought a kit from the store instead of buying paper and cutting it into the appropriate size.
You get the idea. Every piece of this silly event has required the help of at least one other person. Most pieces have required the help of several people. So,yeah, if you look closely, it’s not hard to see how we’ve depended on others.
The independence component of the wedding lies in the choosing what we want to do and making it happen. We organize. We ask. If we just sat around merely dreaming about our perfect wedding it’d never happen.
The giving back component happened before and will happen afterward. Aaron and I do a lot of things for our community. We host singing and music practice. We’ve hosted weekly D&D nights and cooked for people. We volunteer when we find out people we know need help.
We love doing this stuff. We’d do it because it’s the right thing to do and because we enjoy it. I think that because we do this kind of thing freely, many people are willing to help us when we need it. Not everyone mind you, but that’s A-OK.
After the event we’re throwing a thank you party for everyone we can think of that’s helped to make this happen. And when any of them need help with something that I can help with, we’ll be first in line to volunteer.
Final Thoughts
I know I’ve written about the differences between independence, dependence, and interdependence before. I just keep hearing people say that only one of these ideas is the key to success. “You have to be independent.” “You have to rely on others.” “It’s all luck.” “It’s all hard work.”
Everything I’ve experienced has said that all of the above is true. You need to be self-reliant AND you need to rely on others. There’s no either or. If you’re stuck, talk to other people. If you’re feeling too dependent, start taking steps toward self-reliance.
Tags:
Character-Development, Interdependence, Relationships.
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