No “Weekly Check-in” this week because it turned into this.

On Friday I finished the book, Mastery, by George Leonard. Very good book, especially considering how short it is. There’s a lot of stuff from it I could write about, but for this post I’m going to discuss only one thing: the mindsets people have when they learn a new skill. After reading about these mindsets I realized that I haven’t had the master’s mindset for several activities I’d like to master.

Hackers and Obsessers

A person with the hacker mindset gets to some level of proficiency in a skill and then stops doing the work to improve. As an example, someone who goes out dancing every week, but has only taken a beginner class and has no intention of increasing his skill beyond that has the hacker mindset. He’s developed a certain level of competence and is either content to stay at that level indefinitely or would like to improve but doesn’t feel compelled to do the work to get there.

A person with the obsessive mindset will try to force himself to improve faster than is naturally feasible. Let’s say our dancer finished taking the beginning dance class and jumped straight into an intermediate class. He’s struggling with intermediate stuff because he hasn’t mastered the beginner techniques. If his reaction is to force his way through it, he’s obsessive. He’s probably going to injure himself.

I alternated between the hacker mindset and the obsessive mindset in school. Most of the time I’d do the minimum amount of work to get the maximum grade… or if not maximum, at least a grade I could live with. I resented being asked to go above and beyond. I’d try to coast for as long as I could. What was the point in mastering anything when I’d get an A if I did less? If I minimized the amount of time I spent on school stuff I could spend more time doing fun things, right?

For exams I’d jump into obsessive mode in a valiant attempt to pass the tests. I’d pull all-nighters studying, or spend a week or two before the test attempting to learn everything I was supposed to learn until then. By senior year of college this often meant years of material I’d never figured out. Not fun. And not very effective. :/

I’ve, regrettably, been a bit of a hacker (and sometimes obsessive) with music too. When I had piano lessons I never got into the “regular daily practice” habit. With recorder I spent a few months learning what I needed to learn and then happily hacked my way along. I’ve gotten as good as I have just by showing up to dance practice and playing for dancers. Conscious practicing? What’s that? The thing is I’d like to master some instrument, so realizing I’ve been a hacker all these years was a bit of a shock. If I continue this I’ll never master anything.

Dabblers

A person with the dabbler mindset tries something, encounters some difficulty, and then quits. The dabbling dancer is one that takes the beginner lesson, and soon after quits because “it’s not his thing” or “it takes too long to get any good”. Often he’s too ashamed of looking like the inept beginner that he is. He doesn’t realize that in order to gain competence he has to go through the beginner phase.

I’ve dabbled in SO MANY things, but four things in particular come to mind because I keep dabbling, quitting, and going back a few years later. They are languages, stringed instruments, jazz, and drawing. With languages and drawing I quit because I’m afraid to look stupid and they take a really long time to master. With Jazz, I can’t see the path for getting where I want to go. With string instruments… they’re really hard? I’m actually making some progress on the second two right now. I’ve picked up the ukulele, and have made quite a bit of progress on it alright. The goal is to use it as a stepping stone to guitar and to jazz.

Masters

The master mindset is a lot of things, but most importantly it means that when you’re on a learning plateau (i.e. you working hard but aren’t making on progress) you keep practicing, keep trying to make progress. What’s more you enjoy the practicing. Goals aren’t your primary focus, although you do still have goals. If our obsessive dancer had the master mindset his reaction to not doing well in the intermediate class would be to quit the intermediate class and work on the foundation material he still needed to master. Maybe he’d repeat the beginner class or maybe he’d go to open dancing and practice with some of the more experienced dancers. He’d accept where he was and do what he had to do. He’d also enjoy dancing where he’s at now, or at least consider the end goal worth the temporary awkwardness he’s going through.

I’ve had the master’s mindset in a few things. Three that come to mind are swing dancing, sewing, and intimate relationships.

When I started swing dancing I had the master’s mindset. I loved every bit of it. I learned a lot in the classes. I went to open dancing and wasn’t afraid to practice with the advanced dancers even though I was an awkward beginner. I practiced a lot and I loved the practicing. I’d still be dancing now if Aaron had the same interest.*

I love the process of sewing. I love sewing a straight seam on the machine. I love sewing cuffs on by hand. I also enjoy completing ambitious projects. The combination of these two things, liking the process and being ambitious, are the reasons I keep sewing and keep improving at sewing. I suffer through the visualization and fitting and refitting and refitting and refitting of a sleeve because ultimately I like sewing and the end is worth it. If I only cared about the end garment and felt ambivalent the sewing part, I wouldn’t sew. I’d just buy all my reenactment garb or have someone make it for me.

I had only one boyfriend prior to Aaron. We dated for two years in high school. I took the relationship very seriously. I was willing to work through whatever problems we had (assuming they were workable**), and all in all tried to be the best partner I could be. Not surprisingly I wasn’t the one to end the relationship. With Aaron, I feel the same way. I enjoy the process of being in a relationship. I like having date nights, I’m willing to have awkward intimate conversations that need to happen, I’m willing to admit I need to work on my issues with housework, etc. I want us to thrive. I love the practice and I have goals. I’m on the master’s path.

There’s More to Say, but…

…this post is already pretty long. Even though I just finished the book yesterday, assigning names to the different mindsets has already been useful. I’ve realized that in some areas I don’t have the master’s mindset and I wish I did. *cough*Music*cough*

I can also see it being useful for interacting with other people. There are a lot of hackers and dabblers in the SCA, and having a name for them will make it easier for me to deal with them positively. It’s OK to be a hacker or a dabbler. I just need to not expect everyone to be on the master’s path.

So, yeah, really good book. Highly recommend it. May write more about it in the future.

* We met through swing dancing, so it’s not that Aaron doesn’t know how to dance, he’s just has more of a hacker attitude than I do. As in he’d go to workshops if I was interested, but wouldn’t be pro-active about it. It was really important to me to be able to share the same level of passion about dancing with my significant other, so rather than give up Aaron I gave up dancing and replaced it with music.

** I learned later that my first boyfriend is gay, and had just been figuring that out around the time he broke up with me. Gay is not a workable problem. I stopped talking to him for reasons independent of him being gay, but that’s another story…

The Wedding Party (Click for full size)

Aaron and I are the ones in the center in case you couldn’t guess. I made my dress and the dresses for the two ladies on the left. And by made I mean I could have done just about all of it myself, but due to time constraints I sought out a lot of help from my friends.

Not sure I’d make the same decisions if I were doing it all over again. On the one hand I’m happy that the dresses were pretty historically accurate and they turned out well. On the other hand it was a hell of a lot of work for people who don’t do reenactment. Chances are I would have made mine myself and then either ordered the rest from a Renaissance festival clothing website or made them a lot simpler. Such is life. I hadn’t intended to do more than mine in the first place and then things happened and I ended up making them. :-/

So, things I learned.

Our Community is Pretty Awesome

I have a great group of friends that really came through for us for our event. I think the only people involved with the wedding that we didn’t know intimately were the caterer (who just supplied the food; no staff) and the site person. Everything else was done by someone I’m either on a first name basis with or is family.

I’d talked a while back about how modern secular weddings are missing something, and I realized something about my wedding. It may not have had the religious aspect, but we definitely tapped into an old tradition… the tradition of everyone in the village working together to make the wedding day(s) happen. That was really special. And happy.

Sometime in the coming weeks we’re going to have a Thank You party for everyone who helped out with the wedding. There’s a pretty good chance Aaron and I will get weepy at that.

Detachment? Have I talked about that here?

Detachment is a pretty good policy in general, but it’s especially important in anything where your friends are helping you out with stuff. It’s one thing to yell at a stranger because something they did didn’t meet your expectations… you’re not going to hang out with them after the contract is up. With friends, you really shouldn’t yell at them for not helping you the way you want them to. For one thing it’s mean to yell at anyone. For another, they’re helping you! Yelling at someone for volunteering their time does not win you anything except grief. Plus, chances are whatever your vision was wasn’t that important anyway.

Also it’s hard to have a complete vision of everything. Better to give people the space to be creative. The more detached you are from your vision, the more surprised and happy you’ll be by what you end up with. For instance, I had no idea what I wanted from the flowers. Giving my friend the freedom to do what she wanted meant I got pleasantly surprised and I didn’t have to spend time explaining what I wanted.

So yeah, yay detatchment!

I like running events

Not that I was actually running this one. We had people on site in charge of making sure things got done, but I think I’d like being in charge of such things too. We’re thinking of having an anniversary dinner dance next year with more dancing a fewer funny costumes. Methinks that’d be a lot of fun, and a lot less work to plan.

It’s nice to be officially married

Aaron and I signed the papers in September, but we didn’t publicly change our status until after the June wedding. We’d been in limbo for 3/4 of a year and by the end it was really annoying. We didn’t know how to introduce ourselves to new people. We didn’t know whether or not we should let people know we signed the papers. Etc. It was weird. I have more thoughts on this that deserve their own post. Suffice it to say, I’m happy to be able to call Aaron my husband now.

I like kayaking

We went kayaking on our honeymoon. I could see myself doing more of that. There’s a club in Ann Arbor I might join. I’m wary because I already have a busy schedule, but I’ve been feeling like my “likes being in nature” side doesn’t get enough attention.

Will probably keep doing one of those things I’d thought about quitting

In the last check-in I’d said I was planning to give up some positions I have. I’ve decided to hold off on doing that for one of them. I’m excited about where that one is going and the person I had in mind for the job I think won’t be that interested in the new direction.

Still a few more wedding thoughts

I have about three posts in my heading related to our wedding and marriage in general. Hopefully after that I’ll be done with this topic.

That’s about it for me right now.

The other day I was with with some friends and we ended up talking about a touchy subject I have strong feelings about. I wasn’t sure if I should bring up said strong feelings because I know my friends don’t share my beliefs. I feel conflicted. On the one hand I feel like I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind. On the other hand, no one asked for my opinion or to be challenged. What should I do? When is it alright to rock the boat?

-Quietly Opinionated

Hi Opinionated,

The time to bring up your opinion is when you’re doing it to express yourself, not to change anyone. When sharing your beliefs is about letting your friends get to know you better, they won’t think badly of you–at least they won’t if they’re sane–and they’ll be more likely to come around to your way of thinking.

The reason this works is that expression by itself isn’t threatening. There’s no pressure on your friends to change. They can listen–and later reflect–in safety and comfort. There’s no need for them to expend energy defending their beliefs because you aren’t attacking.

There is a chance that your friends will want to attack challenge you, though. In that case you have two options:

One, you can insist that you’re not interested in debating it right now. This has the advantage of killing the conversation. You get the last word and everyone else can ponder what you’ve said. The disadvantage is you don’t get to test your beliefs.

Two, you can debate but I’d highly suggest that you do this only if you’re willing to change your opinion. If you’re willing to do that you’ll be more able to listen to the arguments your friends make, you’ll have more self-restraint when presenting your side (i.e. you’ll be able to avoid saying hurtful things), and you’ll be able to filter out any mean things your friends might saying while they’re on the defensive. If you aren’t detached chances are someone’s feelings will get hurt. :-/

No matter what, don’t let fear of an argument be the primary reason you stay quiet. You don’t have to argue or defend your beliefs. You can state them and be done with it. No one gets hurt and everyone learns something.

Good Luck!

This post is part of the “Ask Monique” series. Click the link for easy access to other posts in this series.

I've never understood the "lone wolf" idea.

Is INDEPENDENT
Independence is about taking responsibility for your life. It’s about doing what you intend to do independent of what other people say. It’s about not waiting for permission to go out and do your thing.

It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s necessary. It’s insufficient.

Is DEPENDENT
Dependence is about realizing you need help to do what you need to do. You alone can only do so much. None of us is truly independent. Look at all the stuff you have. How much of it did you make yourself? If you have anything that you didn’t make yourself–start to finish–you’ve been dependent on someone else to have that thing. Dependence is part of the human condition.

Is INTERDEPENDENT
Interdependence is about both independence and dependence. It’s about being responsible for your actions and accepting help from those who can help you.

Also it’s about giving back. In order for an interdependent society to work, all parties have to give and receive. If you’re interdependent you give freely when someone can use your help and it won’t make you feel resentful. Giving greases the wheels for getting. People are way more willing to help when they feel like they’re paying you back for all the help you’ve given.

An Example: My Wedding
My wedding has turned out to be a lot of work. I’m making my own dress and the dresses for two of my bridesmaids. My choir is singing during the ceremony. Aaron’s dad and step-mom are playing music during the ceremony. We did our own invitations. … And a bunch of other stuff.

If you look at it from far away it almost looks like Aaron and I are doing it all ourselves. That’s anything but true, though.

My dress–which I mostly made myself–has been worked on by more people than just me. From the costuming expert in my local SCA chapter to my sewing savy friends from singing, I really didn’t do all that much of it. Same goes for the bridesmaid’s dresses. Luckily I have an awesome social network filled with talented, generous people.

Music-wise I gave my choir over to one of our talented members to direct during the ceremony. Without his help things would be… interesting.

Invitation wise we got some help with folding paper and stuffing envelopes. We got a friend to draw up the main invitation. We also bought a kit from the store instead of buying paper and cutting it into the appropriate size.

You get the idea. Every piece of this silly event has required the help of at least one other person. Most pieces have required the help of several people. So,yeah, if you look closely, it’s not hard to see how we’ve depended on others.

The independence component of the wedding lies in the choosing what we want to do and making it happen. We organize. We ask. If we just sat around merely dreaming about our perfect wedding it’d never happen.

The giving back component happened before and will happen afterward. Aaron and I do a lot of things for our community. We host singing and music practice. We’ve hosted weekly D&D nights and cooked for people. We volunteer when we find out people we know need help.

We love doing this stuff. We’d do it because it’s the right thing to do and because we enjoy it. I think that because we do this kind of thing freely, many people are willing to help us when we need it. Not everyone mind you, but that’s A-OK.

After the event we’re throwing a thank you party for everyone we can think of that’s helped to make this happen. And when any of them need help with something that I can help with, we’ll be first in line to volunteer.

Final Thoughts
I know I’ve written about the differences between independence, dependence, and interdependence before. I just keep hearing people say that only one of these ideas is the key to success. “You have to be independent.” “You have to rely on others.” “It’s all luck.” “It’s all hard work.”

Everything I’ve experienced has said that all of the above is true. You need to be self-reliant AND you need to rely on others. There’s no either or. If you’re stuck, talk to other people. If you’re feeling too dependent, start taking steps toward self-reliance.

On The Simple Dollar the other day Trent talked about how using the average price for a weddings in the US or in your city as a gauge for your own wedding is a bad idea. It makes you think you have to spend that much because if you don’t you’re being cheap. You don’t care about your guests or something. Better to focus on the elements that are important to you and not get swayed by the people saying you must have six servers catering your buffet or it’s too difficult to sew your own dress. He also said the following.

If you spend all of your time comparing the major things in your life to others based on their cost or their perceived value, you’re saying that what others want is more important to you than what you want. Never let any important choice in your life be governed by what others want.

This is your life. Live it the way you want. Ignore what everyone else says you must have and says you must spend on it. This is about you, not them.

Our wedding certainly echoes this idea, what with the Tudor theme, vegan dinner, and non-religious ceremony, but I wonder… Are weddings really supposed to be about inflicting the beliefs of the couple on the guests? I don’t know.

At one point weddings were more about the community accepting a new family unit than about the family unit itself. The couple usually had the same background too, so in a sense it was about them too… but push come to shove it was still more about the community.

These days it’s common for couples to come from different backgrounds. If they’d like a truly traditional wedding then one person has to put aside their own heritage in favor of the other. (Not usually preferable.) The other option is to mix and match traditions. When couples mix and match traditions the wedding is transformed from this set in tone ritual to a reflection of who they are. Most of us prefer this route.

I feel like something gets lost with the non-traditional wedding, though. You aren’t tapping into a long history of tradition. You aren’t following the rights and rituals of a community. You’re just making stuff up.

But then there are plenty of people who merely “go through the motions” too. Ritual doesn’t necessarily imply meaning. It’s totally dependent on the individual. I like old traditions. I like that history, so such things have a lot of meaning for me. I know that isn’t the case for everyone.

And, just because it’s new and “made up” doesn’t mean ye modern wedding can’t be meaningful. In fact it’s hard for it not to be meaningful since you have to go through the effort of coming up with everything! It’s just a different kind of meaning. It’s more in the moment. It’s about you and your spouse-to-be showing your community who you are and that you’re committed to each other. But it’s more about you.

If someone’s vegetarian, chances are good I’ll think of them positively.

If someone doesn’t like reading for pleasure, chances are good I’ll think of them negatively.

And these are just surface characteristics. If they’re doing things I think are harmful like eating non-food items or spending more than they earn, I’ll not only judge them, but want to confront them about it.

This isn’t a malicious tendency. I’m aligned with Truth. I want others to be too.

But this tendency to judge and preach isn’t all that effective. It’s arrogant and self-centered instead of helpful.  Arrogant because I don’t know everything. Self-centered because what makes sense for me won’t necessarily make sense for everyone.

Here’s something that’s gotten me in trouble before. I love cooking, I believe it enriches my life, and I believe it is the best way to ensure that the food you pay for comes from good sources. I feel very strongly about this and think a lot of people would do well to start doing their own cooking. Just because I believe this, though, doesn’t mean that everyone can, will, or should learn to cook for themselves. It’s certainly possible to live a good, happy life without every developing cooking skills. I have to be open to the idea that the person I encounter falls in this category.

For the most part I’ve learned to deal with this tendency. If you think you fall into this trap too, here’s some advice.

First, start noticing when you start judging other people. You can’t stop a habit if you don’t realize when you do it.

Second, when you notice you’re doing it, Bite your tongue before saying something you might regret.

Third, channel your energy into understanding them rather than preaching. People like feeling they’re understood, and you’ll be better able to give advice if you’re asked.

Also, remember that there no one right way to live. If someone is happy with the way their life is going, be happy for them. If their happiness doesn’t make sense to you, all the more reason to look for understanding.

When I have had success giving advice it’s because of done the following.

I Assumed I Didn’t Know the Whole Story

When someone comes to you for answers, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of giving them right away. That’s the natural course of the conversation. You’ve already got a pretty good idea of the issue is…

Instead you should make sure you understand the situation. Explain it to your friend in your own words. If you can’t get them to clarify. By doing this you double check your own understanding of the situation AND your friend can trust your understanding.

People are way more willing to heed the advice of someone who they believe understands their situation. I know I’m this way. What about you?

I Asked Them To Be Brutally Honest with Me

If your friend doesn’t like what you have to say, you need to hear it. There’s no way you can defend or amend your view if you don’t know what your friend thinks of it.

This of course means you need to be prepared for criticism. You need to be willing to adjust your advice to fit your friend. You need to take your ego out of the picture. It’s not about you or your ability to give good advice, it’s about your friend’s wellbeing. That’s the important thing, which leads to the next item on the list….

I Kept Their Best Interest at the Forefront

Again, it’s about your friend, not about you. Encourage them to live up to their potential. Give advice that makes sense given the information you now have.

Love them.

I Asked Lots of Questions

Ideally try to get them to solve their own problems. It’s more effective than telling them what to do (even if telling them what to do feels more satisfying).

I Offered to Be There for Them In the Future

Tell them that you’ll be there for them. Figuring out what you need to do to solve your problem can happen in an evening. Actually going out and solving it is often much harder. Your friends may fail, and when they do they’ll need someone to help get them back on the right track. That’s your job.

That’s all there is to it.

There are two parts to the process. The first is to be the kind of person who not only gives good advice, but gives it in such a way that it strengthens the relationship. The second step is to use the right words so they take the message the right way. In this post I’ll focus on cultivating the mindset. Next week’s will be on using the right words.

So let’s get to it! Below are things you can do to help yourself BE a better advice giver.

Ask your friend for advice

Chances are your friend has some area of expertise that they’re dying to give you advice on. Maybe they’re an excellent cook, and you have a complicated dinner party you’d like to prepare. Maybe they’re incredibly well organized, and you’d like to improve that in yourselves. Basically, humble yourself by asking them for advice. The idea here is that if your friend sees you humbling yourself, they’ll feel more comfortable doing the same with you.

One caveat: Don’t do it just to improve your chances at getting your friend to ask you for advice. That is, don’t ask them for advice on something you don’t need advice on. If your friend is a master chef, don’t ask him for advice if you have no actual interest in cooking. If you’re more organized than your friend, don’t ask them for advice on organizing… unless there’s something specific they do do that you’d like to do. Just be genuine when you ask for help.

If you aren’t being genuine, they’ll be able to tell, and you’ll get labeled as condescending, which… honestly… would be accurate. Your friendship can’t be very good if you can’t think of any area in which your friend can actually help you.

Again, the goal here is to be humble enough to ask for advice where you aren’t knowledgeable and to value your friend for what he/she is good at. It feels more comfortable to ask someone for advice if they owe you a favor and we like sharing/being valued for our passions.

Actively Work on That Area Yourself

Let’s say there’s something you specifically want to give your friend advice on, one of your first steps ought to do is to work on that area yourself. “Get the log out of your eye before telling your brother to get the speck out of his” and all that jazz. This has the benefit of establishing yourself as an expert (so you can actually give good advice), showing your friend that it’s alright to work on that area, and improving yourself in that area yourself. (If it’s good enough for your friend, it’s good enough for you, right?)

If you’re lucky you might even get some insight into why your friend is still struggling with it, although in my experience you probably won’t. You want to fix it right now, your friend doesn’t. Your experience will be fundamentally different. Resist the urge to get frustrated with them as that will make it harder to listen to them when they try to explain what’s stopping them.

Be Patient; Care But Not Too Much

Detach yourself from the situation. If the person you want to help sees that you care too much, they may avoid you even if you’re the best person to go to. Why? Because you’d put too much pressure on them to change, and not only to change but to do so at your pace. Think about it, why do many of us seek out self-help books or blogs instead of asking our friends and family for advice? One reason, of course, is that our friends and family don’t give great advice, but another is that they want too much for us to follow their advice. We don’t want to disappoint them if/when we fail the first time. We also don’t want to feel obligated to do it their way. Books don’t care if you disregard their advice.

When I’m trying to figure out who to go to for advice, I look for/expect three things in my advice-giver:

1. They’ll be supportive.
2. They’ll give me good, honest advice that’s in my best interest.
3. If I fall they’ll help me pick myself back up and try again.

If I suspected any of these is false, I probably won’t ask… and I won’t appreciate it if they give me their unsolicited thoughts. (Although I am trying to work on the last part.)

The only way to meet all three conditions is to be detached. I can’t really be supportive if I’m clouded by my own expectations. I can’t give good advice if I’m basing it on what I think the situation is. I can’t help them when they fall if I’m too frustrated when they do.

Nurture Your Love

Common advice for married couples is to put some time and effort into keeping the feeling alive. Focus on the things you enjoy about your partner. Do fun stuff. If you don’t you run the risk of only thinking about the qualities in your partner you don’t like.

This advice can be applied to all of your relationships, especially those where you’re starting to see the other person’s flaws. It’s important to remind yourself why you care. Like your significant other, you run risk of focusing on the negatives with your friends too. In addition you might start seeing them as your project, someone you want to fix to give you an ego boost. This is not good.

By nurturing the love, you remind yourself why you’re friends with this person and that they are your equal. They have as much to teach you, as you have to teach them. You respect them.

If you do all of these things you can be pretty certain that your intentions are aligned with good things. I think if any of my friends embodied these qualities, that is,

• They were humble enough to ask for help
• They were experts in or were working on an area I needed help with
• They were detached from the outcome of my situation
• I knew the loved and respected me

I wouldn’t hesitate to ask them for advice, since by doing this they would meet all of the criteria I mentioned earlier. And not only that, if they told me out of the blue that I was doing something that was self-defeating there’s a good chance I wouldn’t see it as a personal attack.

So, next week, you can look forward to a post on how to use the right words convey your advice and how to give them unsolicited advice.

Here’s the definition I’ll use, and for clarity I’ll use two generic names: Alice and Bob. When Alice is getting Bob to do something he wouldn’t ordinarily do, she is manipulating him.

It’s a pretty wide interpretation of manipulative. If Bob is biting his fingernails, and Alice tells him it’s bad for him, even that falls under this definition of manipulation. Her technique might not be effective, and she may be saying it for his benefit alone, but that’s besides the point. Alice is still trying to manipulate Bob. Alice is still trying to change Bob’s behavior.

The thing to realize here is that manipulation in this broad sense is part a part of life, and it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, it is often wise to allow yourself to be manipulated. If someone shows you that your behavior is not aligned with what you profess to believe, you’d do well to reconcile that. If someone is calling you to be a better person, you shouldn’t fight it just because someone else suggested it.

So the question is, what’s the difference between positive and negative manipulation? The answer is quite simple: positive manipulation is when someone gets you to do something that makes your life better in your eyes. Negative is when it makes your life worse in your eyes.

As far as your life is concerned the form of the manipulation really shouldn’t matter. If someone uses guilt to get you to do something you already know you ought to be doing, you should still do it. The key thing here is you know it’s the right thing to do. The fact that they used low-blow tactics is beside the point.

Similarly if someone appeals to your higher values–a method of manipulation I particularly like–and calls you to put more time into your non-profit group of choice, the time spent there may not be the best for you. If you already spend lots of hours at your day-job and then spend as many at your non-profit group your family and friends may get short shrift, and you may find that the new use of your time hasn’t made your life better. The fact that the person used a good method of manipulation is, again, besides the point.

In other words, when someone is attempting to get you to change your behavior it’s the content, not the form, that matters.

This changes, of course, when you’re the one trying to change someone else’s mind. The content is still very important, but most of us have a hard time taking advice that’s presented in the wrong way. If you want to be listened to you’d do well to get both content and form right. That’s what this Friday’s post will be about.

Pick an Area of Focus

It’s much easier to accept external feedback in an area if you’ve decided to focus on improving that area. The reason is that even if you’re the only person analyzing your work you need to be emotionally distanced enough to see where to improve. Putting your ego aside is a prerequisite. Once you’ve done that, it’s not too hard to accept other people’s advice too.

Another benefit of having picked a single area of focus is that you’ve already decided that this is an area worth working on. You aren’t waffling over whether or not you really want to improve. This is incredibly important. As I said earlier, many books (the Covey books come to mind… as well as Seth Godin’s) recommend you seek out advice from your boss on how to be a better employee. But what happens if you really aren’t sure you want to focus on your career? Are you really in a place to accept the feedback you’d get? Of course not!

I suppose it’s possible to pick an area to work on that you aren’t really comfortable working on. So, a rule of thumb: if thinking about working on an area makes you feel nauseated work on your emotional hangups first.

Pick a Person

The second method for getting used to receiving feedback is to pick a person to focus on deepening your relationship with … or several if you’re taking things really slowly. Obvious people are your significant other (how can I be a better partner?) and your kids (how can I be a better parent?), but you could add anyone: parents, siblings, friends, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparents, etc. Ask them how you could be a better friend to them. Or if you aren’t quite that bold, ask them for advice in areas where they have some experience or passion. If you’re having trouble keeping your resolution to stay fit, ask someone who is fit to help you out. Chances are they’ve been dying to give you advice for a while now.

The key here is to ask for advice from QUALIFIED people. I know it seems obvious, but it’s incredibly easy to forget this, especially if you have few people to turn to. Everyone has their blind spots. Your parents may be great at giving you advice on how to take care of your house, but maybe not so much on starting an unconventional career. Your best friend who’s many relationships haven’t lasted longer than 6 months many not be the best person to turn to for advice on how to keep the flame burning brightly in your long term relationship, but she’s probably a good person to turn to on how to handle life transitions. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out their take on things they aren’t really qualified to give advice on, it just means you should take it with a hefty dose of salt… especially if their advice trips your bad advice sensor.

You’ll find that when you express your willingness to change to your person of choice, amazing things will happen to your relationship with them. They’ll be more likely to open up to you about the misgivings they have with you in the hopes that you’ll listen and change your ways. When you do change for the better they’ll be very surprised and happy with you. At the same time they may be more open to receiving your advice too. You’ll feel free to be yourself around them and you’ll be able to confront them directly with your issues without worry that they’ll take your frustration to mean that you think they’re worthless.

In short, picking a single area of focus makes it such that you only have to put your ego aside in that area. It’s much easier to do that than to keep your ego aside everywhere. By picking one person to solicit feedback from, once you get used to asking them for feedback you’ll find it easier to do the same with more people. Basically these are good, not too painful places to start.