When Being a Doormat is a Good Thing
Date Posted: January 25th, 2010
It’s safe to say most of us don’t like being manipulated, but I’d bet most of us would have a hard time defining what manipulation actually is… what distinguishes it from simply being informed.
Here’s the definition I’ll use, and for clarity I’ll use two generic names: Alice and Bob. When Alice is getting Bob to do something he wouldn’t ordinarily do, she is manipulating him.
It’s a pretty wide interpretation of manipulative. If Bob is biting his fingernails, and Alice tells him it’s bad for him, even that falls under this definition of manipulation. Her technique might not be effective, and she may be saying it for his benefit alone, but that’s besides the point. Alice is still trying to manipulate Bob. Alice is still trying to change Bob’s behavior.
The thing to realize here is that manipulation in this broad sense is part a part of life, and it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, it is often wise to allow yourself to be manipulated. If someone shows you that your behavior is not aligned with what you profess to believe, you’d do well to reconcile that. If someone is calling you to be a better person, you shouldn’t fight it just because someone else suggested it.
So the question is, what’s the difference between positive and negative manipulation? The answer is quite simple: positive manipulation is when someone gets you to do something that makes your life better in your eyes. Negative is when it makes your life worse in your eyes.
As far as your life is concerned the form of the manipulation really shouldn’t matter. If someone uses guilt to get you to do something you already know you ought to be doing, you should still do it. The key thing here is you know it’s the right thing to do. The fact that they used low-blow tactics is beside the point.
Similarly if someone appeals to your higher values–a method of manipulation I particularly like–and calls you to put more time into your non-profit group of choice, the time spent there may not be the best for you. If you already spend lots of hours at your day-job and then spend as many at your non-profit group your family and friends may get short shrift, and you may find that the new use of your time hasn’t made your life better. The fact that the person used a good method of manipulation is, again, besides the point.
In other words, when someone is attempting to get you to change your behavior it’s the content, not the form, that matters.
This changes, of course, when you’re the one trying to change someone else’s mind. The content is still very important, but most of us have a hard time taking advice that’s presented in the wrong way. If you want to be listened to you’d do well to get both content and form right. That’s what this Friday’s post will be about.
Another place I considered moving to was Asheville, NC, but in all seriousness it was a lot like Ann Arbor except it had mountains. Might as well stay in Ann Arbor. After thinking about it some more, I realized that the only places I’d really want to move to are Canada and Europe, since the culture would actually be different, there’d be national healthcare, and in the case of Europe, history would be all around me. But I don’t feel really compelled to leave Ann Arbor, right now, so why should I? I suppose that’s the ideal situation. Find a city near your family that actually fits your personality. Then you satisfy yourself and your family.
