Date Posted: December 14th, 2009
Are you hiding your light under a basket? What does that mean? How does that phrase make you feel?
Are you living up to your potential? Do you want to? Do you feel guilty for not doing so?
Is wealth bad? Is power bad? If you don’t acquire either does that diminish the quality of your life?
What constitutes a good life?
What constitutes a wasted life?
If you retire and spend your time just connecting with people, is that wasting your time? If you’re just spending time with your family and closest friends?
Just some things I’ve been thinking about recently.
Tags:
Abundance / Scarcity Mentality, Ethics, Money, Purpose, YMOYL.
Posted at
2:09 pm | No Comments »
Date Posted: December 10th, 2009
Josh Hanagarne’s great site, World’s Strongest Librarian had an interesting voice post about in which he asked a couple of questions: “Why do you think people aren’t more courteous? What do you think the world would be like if people were actually courteous?” My response to these questions is longer than suitable for a normal comment, so I’ll answer it here. Plus it’s relevant to what I write on LVC.
Why Aren’t People More Courteous?
I think the primary reason people are discourteous is because it’s a way to let out whatever frustration we have without causing a scene and without showing our vulnerability. My guess for why the library patron didn’t drop the issue when he found out that Josh’s ticks weren’t intentional is that he was afraid of showing his embarrassment. He’d have to be vulnerable, admit that he was wrong and for some people that’s hard to do.
There’s a great anecdote from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which shows a similar scene that ends completely differently:
I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing peoples papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was an unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.
In the anecdote, Covey is arguably being discourteous when he confronts the father. He assumes that the father didn’t care about how his kids were behaving and how their behavior was affecting the other people in the subway car. But after he finds out he was wrong, he — unlike the patron — doesn’t let his embarrassment keep him from being compassionate. It turns into a beautiful soulful interaction.
Would it have been better of Covey had kept his mouth shut and not confront the father at all? I don’t think so, even if it may have been more courteous.
What Would the World Be Like if Everyone was Courteous?
This question is not as straightforward as it looks. Courteousness is not a clear cut good trait. Someone can be courteous and be a doormat. Someone can be courteous and not a doormat. What’s the difference? Let’s examine.
The Courteous Doormat
The main characteristic of the doormat is the lack of ability to relate to others as an equal. When the doormat is wronged she takes it and does nothing about it. Maybe she fumes in private, but she does not take steps to correct the situation. She lacks courage. She lack’s strength of character. She probably lacks self-worth. Yes, she’s kind and courteous, but it’s not really all that healthy.
If the world was full of courteous doormats life would be not much different than it is now, except maybe worse. There’d be a lot of passive aggression. Kind words would lose their meaning, since you’d never know if someone actually meant them or was using them as a mask to hide their contempt. Not good.
The Courteous Non-Doormat
The difference between this person and the doormat isn’t that this person never gets stepped on. Anyone who is kind an courteous will eventually encounter someone who tries to take advantage of their good-naturedness. The difference is the reaction. The doormat does nothing. (Or effectively nothing if she fumes in private.) The non-doormat takes action. She courteously confronts the person. She asks what’s the problem is. She assumes it was a misunderstanding. If it wasn’t a misunderstanding, the non-doormat simply cuts ties with the person. If it was a misunderstanding she works with the person to fix the problem.
The courteous non-doormat is not afraid to see others as an equal. That is, she’s not afraid to confront them when she feels wronged. After all, why would you be afraid to approach someone who’s you’re equal? Also, because of her strength of character, she can act out of compassion — be vulnerable — without fear of injury. She has a thick skin without a wall.
To be a courteous non-doormat is without a doubt a positive trait. If the world were filled with this kind of person life would be much more pleasant. There’d be a lot more happiness, openness, and understanding. ^_^
See! Way too long for a comment!
Tags:
Character-Development, Emotional Health, Ethics, Psychology, Relationships, Subconscious.
Posted at
2:14 pm | 1 Comment »
