Date Posted: January 25th, 2010
It’s safe to say most of us don’t like being manipulated, but I’d bet most of us would have a hard time defining what manipulation actually is… what distinguishes it from simply being informed.
Here’s the definition I’ll use, and for clarity I’ll use two generic names: Alice and Bob. When Alice is getting Bob to do something he wouldn’t ordinarily do, she is manipulating him.
It’s a pretty wide interpretation of manipulative. If Bob is biting his fingernails, and Alice tells him it’s bad for him, even that falls under this definition of manipulation. Her technique might not be effective, and she may be saying it for his benefit alone, but that’s besides the point. Alice is still trying to manipulate Bob. Alice is still trying to change Bob’s behavior.
The thing to realize here is that manipulation in this broad sense is part a part of life, and it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, it is often wise to allow yourself to be manipulated. If someone shows you that your behavior is not aligned with what you profess to believe, you’d do well to reconcile that. If someone is calling you to be a better person, you shouldn’t fight it just because someone else suggested it.
So the question is, what’s the difference between positive and negative manipulation? The answer is quite simple: positive manipulation is when someone gets you to do something that makes your life better in your eyes. Negative is when it makes your life worse in your eyes.
As far as your life is concerned the form of the manipulation really shouldn’t matter. If someone uses guilt to get you to do something you already know you ought to be doing, you should still do it. The key thing here is you know it’s the right thing to do. The fact that they used low-blow tactics is beside the point.
Similarly if someone appeals to your higher values–a method of manipulation I particularly like–and calls you to put more time into your non-profit group of choice, the time spent there may not be the best for you. If you already spend lots of hours at your day-job and then spend as many at your non-profit group your family and friends may get short shrift, and you may find that the new use of your time hasn’t made your life better. The fact that the person used a good method of manipulation is, again, besides the point.
In other words, when someone is attempting to get you to change your behavior it’s the content, not the form, that matters.
This changes, of course, when you’re the one trying to change someone else’s mind. The content is still very important, but most of us have a hard time taking advice that’s presented in the wrong way. If you want to be listened to you’d do well to get both content and form right. That’s what this Friday’s post will be about.
Tags:
Character-Development, Detachment, Emotional Health, Family, Relationships.
Posted at
12:37 pm | No Comments »
Date Posted: December 16th, 2009
Most people I know could do well to have stronger, more intimate relationships. Just like how modern life isn’t structured to give us adequate exercise, it also isn’t structure such that we automatically develop deep relationships. We have to be proactive. Below are a 10 ways to strengthen the relationships we already have. The first half focus on building a structure so these relationships can grow. The second half focus on how to be a better friend.
1 ) Schedule Regular Get-togethers
This is the number one best way to strengthen the relationships you already have. Schedule a regular time to meet with the people you want to get to know better. Preferably at your home. It doesn’t matter how small your place is. Aaron and I used to invite people to our one bedroom apartment all the time. It was pretty cramped and often not spotless, but people didn’t care. (Or at least they kept coming back.)
The more often you see someone the easier it is to open up to them. But what’s also true is if you invite someone over too often they’ll get tired of the frequency. If you have a scheduled, repeating time to see someone (or a group of people) then it no longer feels like anyone’s time is getting monopolized. It’s an activity you’ve all committed to.
2 ) Call Regularly
Call your important people somewhat frequently. Once or twice a week. It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular. Just share what you’ve been up to, what you’ve been dreaming about, and listen to their thoughts and dreams. I know I love sharing these kinds of things with anyone who seems interested, and more often than not I’ve found other people love to talk as well. These are the kind of topics that keep people interested.
Do this often enough, be willing to talk about deeper things and you’ll find your relationships strengthen, even if you aren’t in the same city.
3 ) Use Instant Messenger
There’s something to be said about being in constant contact with someone all day long. When I’m at work, I have my IM client open with a constant link to Aaron. We don’t talk all the time — in fact we’ve agreed to not have intense conversations while at work — but having the weak link is nice and comfy. Comfy relationships tend to be strong relationships.
4 ) Update Your Personal Blog
Throughout high school and part of college I kept up a personal blog, and so did many of my friends and acquaintances. A lot of what we wrote wasn’t very insightful or helpful, but it was open and honest. I was always amazed at how close I felt to people who regularly updated their blogs, and because of that closeness I felt more comfortable talking to people I wouldn’t ordinarily talk to, just because I read their blog. And with my main friends the relationships grew closer because of how candid we were willing to be in our journals.
5 ) Volunteer When They’re In Need
If your friend needs help–even if they aren’t asking for it–offer it. If your friend just had a baby, offer to do the dishes for a few days. If your friends are moving, offer to help them move. If you notice your friend is feeling down, find a way to cheer them up. Take the initiative. Doing so is an instant relationship strengthener.
For a few of my friends, a major reason I’m still loyal to them is something they did for me many years ago that both needed and didn’t expect them to do. 
6 ) Schedule Weekly Activities
This is similar to the regular get-togethers, but with more purpose. If you all like music you could get together and play music together. If you all like games you can get together and play games. If you like exercise you can do your favorite form of exercise together. Etc. I’ve found that sharing things I’m passionate is a great medium for getting to know someone. That’s when you’re all at your best and you learn special specific things about each other that none of you would have known otherwise.
7 ) Take Risks
Push people’s buttons a bit. Family and good friends do this for each other all the time. We all have our sensitive issues that we ought to deal with. Challenge these important people to be better. Doing this effectively is an art. It takes some practice. But if you don’t do it your relationships will stay in mediocre land.
8 ) Learn to Take Criticism Well
Just like how you should encourage those closest to you to be better, you also need to work at being a better person. If your friends know you’re good at taking criticism they’ll both be more likely to give it to you and more likely to listen to the advice you give them. It’s a relationships strengthener.
9 ) Work on Detachment
The deeper the friendship the more valuable and more difficult it will get over time. You’ll know you can depend on your friends, but at the same it will affect you more when they make bad decisions. Also, because you’ve gotten to a point where you’re pretty sure they won’t leave if you say something uncomfortable to them, you run the risk of saying risk of giving them advice that’s more about making you feel better than it is about helping them. Not good.
The way to combat this is by developing detachment and a thick skin. It enables you to keep your friend’s wellbeing at the forefront and to notice when the advice you give is more about you than them.
10 ) Make Roots
If people know you’re going to be around for a while they’ll be more likely to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re going to be around in a year or two. Stability is rare these days, and is valued more than you might think.
To be clear, I don’t think you should feel obligated to live where you grew up. What I do think is that it’s a good idea to find a place you like and make your career decisions based on location. Pick city first, then pick where you want to work. Or even better, pick a career that can be done anywhere. ***Cough***Blogging***Cough***
You’ll notice that all of these things take a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice. There are no shortcuts. But on the bright side, the journey is incredibly rewarding and the things you learn along the way will help you in whatever you want to do with your life.
Tags:
Detachment, Relationships.
Posted at
1:34 pm | No Comments »
