Date Posted: April 23rd, 2010
I've never understood the "lone wolf" idea.
Is INDEPENDENT
Independence is about taking responsibility for your life. It’s about doing what you intend to do independent of what other people say. It’s about not waiting for permission to go out and do your thing.
It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s necessary. It’s insufficient.
Is DEPENDENT
Dependence is about realizing you need help to do what you need to do. You alone can only do so much. None of us is truly independent. Look at all the stuff you have. How much of it did you make yourself? If you have anything that you didn’t make yourself–start to finish–you’ve been dependent on someone else to have that thing. Dependence is part of the human condition.
Is INTERDEPENDENT
Interdependence is about both independence and dependence. It’s about being responsible for your actions and accepting help from those who can help you.
Also it’s about giving back. In order for an interdependent society to work, all parties have to give and receive. If you’re interdependent you give freely when someone can use your help and it won’t make you feel resentful. Giving greases the wheels for getting. People are way more willing to help when they feel like they’re paying you back for all the help you’ve given.
An Example: My Wedding
My wedding has turned out to be a lot of work. I’m making my own dress and the dresses for two of my bridesmaids. My choir is singing during the ceremony. Aaron’s dad and step-mom are playing music during the ceremony. We did our own invitations. … And a bunch of other stuff.
If you look at it from far away it almost looks like Aaron and I are doing it all ourselves. That’s anything but true, though.
My dress–which I mostly made myself–has been worked on by more people than just me. From the costuming expert in my local SCA chapter to my sewing savy friends from singing, I really didn’t do all that much of it. Same goes for the bridesmaid’s dresses. Luckily I have an awesome social network filled with talented, generous people. 
Music-wise I gave my choir over to one of our talented members to direct during the ceremony. Without his help things would be… interesting.
Invitation wise we got some help with folding paper and stuffing envelopes. We got a friend to draw up the main invitation. We also bought a kit from the store instead of buying paper and cutting it into the appropriate size.
You get the idea. Every piece of this silly event has required the help of at least one other person. Most pieces have required the help of several people. So,yeah, if you look closely, it’s not hard to see how we’ve depended on others.
The independence component of the wedding lies in the choosing what we want to do and making it happen. We organize. We ask. If we just sat around merely dreaming about our perfect wedding it’d never happen.
The giving back component happened before and will happen afterward. Aaron and I do a lot of things for our community. We host singing and music practice. We’ve hosted weekly D&D nights and cooked for people. We volunteer when we find out people we know need help.
We love doing this stuff. We’d do it because it’s the right thing to do and because we enjoy it. I think that because we do this kind of thing freely, many people are willing to help us when we need it. Not everyone mind you, but that’s A-OK.
After the event we’re throwing a thank you party for everyone we can think of that’s helped to make this happen. And when any of them need help with something that I can help with, we’ll be first in line to volunteer.
Final Thoughts
I know I’ve written about the differences between independence, dependence, and interdependence before. I just keep hearing people say that only one of these ideas is the key to success. “You have to be independent.” “You have to rely on others.” “It’s all luck.” “It’s all hard work.”
Everything I’ve experienced has said that all of the above is true. You need to be self-reliant AND you need to rely on others. There’s no either or. If you’re stuck, talk to other people. If you’re feeling too dependent, start taking steps toward self-reliance.
Tags:
Character-Development, Interdependence, Relationships.
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Date Posted: March 26th, 2010
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I think we all know that it’s a good idea to take control of our lives. Ideas like independence, self-actualization, autonomy are parts of the American identity, and they’re spreading throughout the world. We want to be powerful forces in our own lives.
And yet it’s now acceptable to blame our parents for our hangups. It’s acceptable to blame the schools and the economy for our joblessness. It’s acceptable to blame fast food restaurants for our bad diets and credit card companies for our crippling debt.
Disconnect much?
Taking responsibility for our lives isn’t easy and isn’t natural, but it’s something we know we ought to do. That’s why it’s on the path less traveled.
So, what’s stopping us from accepting responsibility?
We Expect that Authorities Know Better Than We Do
I’m no psychologist, but I’m willing to bet that anyone who feels controlled by their parents believes that their parents know more than they do. Their Inner Bunny takes on the voice of the especially difficult parent and reminds them of all the times said parent was right. This time is no different! Etc. Person can believe deep down that she’s right but she wants parent to see it that way too. That’s the only way to KNOW it’s right, after all. But parent is not perfect, and does not want to admit that, so person feels trapped.
The solution here is to be rebellious. Not stupid rebellious, of course, but when your heart of hearts tells you something that your parent won’t like, listen to your heart of hearts. Be kind to your parents, though. They’re not perfect and they’re probably trying their best.
…courage to change the things that I can…
We Fear We’ll Prove We Really Are Powerless
If you don’t try then there’s always hope that you could succeed. If you try you might prove that you can’t.
I used to have this problem in school. I didn’t want to try too hard, lest my best turn out to be mediocre. I wanted to be able to tell myself that if I put in a bit more effort I could have aced some test. It’s not a good habit if you actually care about learning the material.
With school, I never figured out a good way to get over this problem. I think perhaps if I cared more about the material than I did about my ego, my life might have been better. But that’s just speculation.
With other stuff the solution is twofold.
- See Failure is part of the journey. Everyone messes up once in while. Most of us mess up a lot. The only time you’re really a failure, though, is if you quit trying. Learn to accept that. Learn from your mistakes. Failing will get a lot easier and you might just start to redefine failure as simple learning.
- Take Small Steps. Make your next action toward getting out of your hole something you know you can accomplish. Don’t go on a starvation diet. Find something healthy you like to eat. Don’t trying waking up two hours earlier than normal every day. Try five minutes first. This won’t help if your overarching strategy is off, but with most habits you want to instill you’ll be a lot more successful. In the end you’ll save a lot of time by going slowly too, since you don’t have to go through the shame recovery phase.
…courage to change the things that I can…
Responsibility Sounds Like Shame
It’s not that hard to go into shame mode when you realize you could have made different, better choices. It’s even worse if all that time you knew you could have acted differently. You’re a bad person for having wasted so much of your life, right?
That’s not the point, though. The point of looking back is to see how much power you had. Hindsight it 20/20. Hopefully you’ll be able to trust that you have as much power now as you did then.
Forgive your former self. She wasn’t perfect. She was doing her best. Your responsibility to her is to do better today.
Responsibility is not shame. It’s accepting your own power.
…to accept the things I cannot change…
Sometimes Outside Forces Really Are in Control
You can do everything right and still get cancer. You can do everything wrong (well maybe not everything, but a lot of things) and live ’till you’re 100 and remember where you left your keys. Life isn’t always fair.
And because life isn’t always fair, why play the game as if it is? Why take responsibility at all? The rules can’t be trusted.
The thing is, on an individual level, the rules mostly work. The person you are after you start exercising will feel better than the person you were before you started. You might not feel as awesome as your sister, but that’s besides the point. You may not start out with a trust fund in hand, but if you play the game of life right you’ll probably be able to do what you want to do.
If you get cancer (or hit by a drunk driver or laid off in spite of doing excellent work or whatever) accept it as something you don’t have control over. Then focus on what you do have control over. How you want the rest of your life to get, for instance.
…wisdom to know the difference.
As I said, it’s acceptable these days to know why you have the problems you do and then not do anything. To assign responsibility to someone else for where your life goes. That’s not a good thing. It undermines your own power. And quite frankly your life is primarily your responsibility.
Taking responsibility for your life, acknowledging your own power, is difficult, but totally worthwhile. That’s why it’s on the path less traveled.
Tags:
Character-Development, Emotional Health, Subconscious.
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