There was a man who woke one day convinced that he was a zombie. When he told his wife he was a zombie, she tried to talk him out of this outrageous opinion.

“You are not a zombie!” she said.

“I am a zombie.” he answered.

“What makes you think you are a zombie?” she asked rhetorically.

“Don’t you think zombies know they are zombies?” he answered with great sincerity.

His wife realized she was not getting anywhere so she called his mother and told her what was going on. His mother tried to help.

“I’m your mother, wouldn’t I know if I gave birth to a zombie?”

“You didn’t,” he explained, “I became a zombie later.”

“I didn’t raise my son to be a zombie, or especially to think he is a zombie,” his mother pleaded.

“Nonetheless, I am a zombie,” hes said, unmoved by his mother’s appeal to his identity and sense of guilt.

Later that day his wife called in their minister to talk to her husband.

“You are not a zombie, you are probably going through a midlife crisis,” the minister said, trying to be the psychologist he always wanted to be.

“Zombies don’t have midlife crises,” was all the man replied.

The minister recommended a psychiatrist. The wife got an emergency appointment, and within the hour the husband was in the psychiatrist’s office.

“So, you think you are a zombie?” the psychiatrist asked.

“I know I am a zombie,” the man said.

“Tell me, do zombies bleed?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Of course not,” said the man, “zombies are the living dead. They don’t bleed.” The man was a little annoyed at the psychiatrist’s patronizing question.

“Well, watch this,” said the psychiatrist as he picked up a pin. He took the man’s finger and made a tiny pin prick. The man looked at his finger with great amazement and said nothing for three or four minutes.

“What do you know,” the man finally said, “zombies do bleed!”

We lie all the time, to our friends and to ourselves. “That outfit looks great on you.” “I failed the test because the teacher hates me.”

We do it because it avoids awkwardness in the short term. If you say the outfit looks terrible you’ll create drama. If you tell yourself you failed because of you didn’t study you might have to make a change in your life. A little lie is a lot easier than an uncomfortable truth.

Of course, long term, if you lie you’re going to have problems. Example: if you direct your life as a zombie when you’re really a living mortal you might unnecessarily kill people for their brains. Or you might be less cautious since you’re already dead. Or you might stop showering since zombies don’t shower. Bad times for all.

If you don’t think you lie to yourself, you’re lying to yourself right now.

Seriously.

This Week’s Challenge: Write down at least one instance where you lied to yourself. Deep down your heart of hearts knew the truth and you didn’t accept it. Bonus points if other people echoed your heart of hearts. If you’re feeling brave put you answer in the comments.

If you honestly can’t think of anything, ask your significant other or best friend or one of your parents or siblings for help.

We’ll talk more about this next week.

The Hard

Exercise Please?

I didn’t bike to work on Wednesday or Thursday, and felt gross because of it. Brain fuzzy, can’t think straight, gross.

Nique needs to exercise consistently. Sewiously.

Not Enough Time

I want more time. I want energy to use said time. I don’t want to give up things I love doing. Can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

The Promise Breaking

I promised myself I’d get up with the kitty and either read (if the weather was nice) or use the exercise bike (if the weather was crummy). This didn’t happen. If the weather is nice I still bike to work, but getting up with the cat is hard. Especially when Rorschach decides that 4AM is a good time to start caterwauling. Rawr.

Maybe I need to face the fact that 8 hours of sleep is what I need. Getting up at 7 isn’t so bad…

Maybe I need to find some other time to exercise. Or something.

Also didn’t do as much writing as I would have liked to. (And I did want to do writing.)

Guilt Guilt Guilt

Not keeping promises to myself brings on the guilt.

Unfortunately while guilt will get me to sit on the bike or open the journal, it won’t make me want to exercise or want to write. Bleh.

The Good

Books!

Finished World Without End. Started Voluntary Simplicity. WWE was very good. I’m kinda sad it’s over. Voluntary Simplicity is looking like it’s going to be good too.

Finishing books is definitely a good thing. It makes me feel like I can accomplish something.

Meetings can be useful

I run a weekly progress meeting for one of my projects at work. Normally when I hear about meetings it’s about how long they are and how they take away from actual productive time. These meetings are different.

For one thing these meetings are short. This last one was 15 minutes? Maybe?

For another stuff gets done in the 10 – 20 minutes before the meeting. On both sides. No one likes to hear that they’re part isn’t done.

Happiness.

Crêpes at the Farmer’s Market

On Wednesday Aaron and I went to the Farmer’s Market on our way to work, and in one of the stalls was a crêpe stand. Very unexpected. Very tasty. I would have them again, though not every week.

It was nice to do something spontaneous and not feel guilty about it afterward.

Improving at Recorder

On Wednesday evenings I’ve been spending some time honing my music skills. Recorder has been my primary instrument for about 4 years now, so unsurprisingly I’ve been using some of that time to focus on it.

I’m happy to say that improvement is being made. I’m able to play more of the notes the recorder is capable of and I’ve discovered that the alto is better suited for many pieces I have until now usually played on the soprano.

I’m really glad I decided to block out one evening a week for practice.

The Learning

I feel terrible if I don’t exercise

*Writes note to self.*

Breathing is Good

Yep.

My Self-Worth is tied up in silly things

Like how productive I am and how well I keep promises to myself.

I need to remind myself that me not keeping promises to myself doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It means something’s misaligned.

I need to remind myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The Hard

The Heat

The weather’s been in the 90s this week, so it’s been a bit unpleasant. On Monday, I had very little energy, and I’m pretty sure the heat was the main cause. Alas. A day off from work and I didn’t have the energy to use it productively. I even went for a walk to try to get more energy, but that didn’t work.

Also, Aaron and I have been snippy at each other because of the weather. Luckily neither of us takes it too seriously.

So much to do

And so little discipline. On Wednesday I came home from work and instead of doing the things I said I’d do (make food for the cat, calculate fabric amounts for Pennsic clothes, and do some cleaning) I read World Without End, practiced music, and read some more. It was fun, and I did get the music practiced, but I felt guilty about the time spent on the book.

Working 9 – 9.5 hour days.

We’re leaving early today for a wedding this weekend in Ohio, so I had to flex out those hours over the week. While I’m at work I don’t feel the extra hour. It’s when I come home and there’s not much time left that I start to feel resentful. Yeah I know people have it worse… that still doesn’t make me feel better.

The Good

Sno-cone Maker!

Last summer we bought a sno-cone maker and it’s turned out to be a great purchase. Yeah, we have an ice-crusher built into the fridge, but this thing does a much better job. Very refreshing.

Exercise!

Biked to work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Took a walk on Monday. Friday we’ll be leaving for Ohio, so no biking. Yay!

Got writing done.

Just about finished a post for the future. Started a few more.

Singing

We’re singing and playing music at the wedding this weekend, so we did some practicing on Wednesday. A lot of the music I already knew, and it’s in a good range for my voice.

Enjoyed Reading about Underground Houses

A goal Aaron and I have is to one day build our own hobbit hole. I got a book from the library called $50 & Up Underground House Book on just that topic. It’s dated (published in 1978 dated), but the information is still good, and it’s very entertaining. Well, entertaining for me since the author’s a back-to-the-land hippie…

The Learning

Exercise makes me happy… but only up to a certain point.

Last Friday I biked to work and felt ecstatic for the first few hours of my workday. This week I’ve been biking daily and my mood hasn’t been lifted nearly as much. As I mentioned, on Monday I went for a walk in the hope that it would wake me up and it didn’t. I didn’t feel worse afterward, I just didn’t feel much better either.

I’ll keep on exercising regularly, but I’ll try not to be disappointed on the days I don’t get a euphoric boost.

Pleasant rituals are hard to break

I start my day reading my personal email and checking feeds. This feels good and comfy, but I know I’m not as productive when I do start my day this way. The obvious thing to do is to replace my morning “check email and feeds” ritual with some other pleasant ritual, but I haven’t come up with one that’s sufficiently pleasant and sufficiently motivating. Apparently going through my to-do list isn’t that motivating to me. I will think about it.

Fun is as important as other stuff

I have this ongoing fear that if I do the things that need to be done I won’t have time for fun. Take Thursday. After choir we packed for Ohio and made kitty food. By the time we were done with that it was 10:40pm. Our bed-time is 11pm. Instead of dropping everything and reading for the last 20 minutes I wanted to make an icy drink and turn off some of the lights upstairs. If I had done that it would have been 10:50pm and at that point I might as well go to bed, fulfilling the “I can’t do work and have time for fun” prophecy. Luckily Aaron insisted I just go and read.

I don’t want to binge on fun stuff and feel guilty about it later, so I’m going to start including fun stuff in my “things to get done” list. I’ll keep it at the end of the list so I don’t procrastinate on less fun stuff, but I’ll make time to do it. I have a feeling this will work. That’s it for this week.

After I read Pillars of the Earth last summer I decided to put off reading the next book, World Without End, because Pillars destroyed my week. In a good way, mind you, but still. I couldn’t afford that kind of thing two weeks in a row. Or even two weeks in as many months. Also I wanted something to look forward to.

Now that the wedding’s over and we don’t have any TV shows to compulsively watch, I decided last weekend that I was ready to have my life eaten by a good book again. World Without End has definitely been delivering. I’m still not done with it, and I’ve had to read the book summary and skip around to the sections I was really looking forward to in order to keep myself from going insane.

Life is a Lot Better When You Want to Improve at Your Job

You’ll make more money. You’ll be more effective. You’ll more easily be able to switch jobs. People will be more able to handle it when you make mistakes. Etc.

Conversely, if you don’t want to improve at your job you won’t maximize your earning potential, you won’t be very effective, you’ll have a hard time finding another job in your field, and you won’t be very happy. It’s not fun feeling like you could be making more of your life if you were doing something else.

8 Hours Is Not Enough

I like the feeling of not being busy. I like playing with the cat, chit-chatting with Aaron, watching favorite TV shows, and spending time with friends and family. (Although sometimes the last one can feel like a chore…) I like choosing what to do based on what I feel like doing rather than based on what’s on my list.

I also like making progress on projects. I like being able to say I’m one step closer to my goals. I like making things. I like working through my mental blocks. I like practicing musics. I like learning about new things.

The 8 hours when I’m not at work and I’m not sleeping often don’t feel like enough time to relax, produce things, and do dishes. I also tend to get resentful about not having enough time to pursue worthwhile projects or having to choose between a Project and playing with the kitty (or the husband). Saying no is hard when I really do want to say yes.

I think the solution is to accept where I am… that I don’t have all the time in the world. I also need to remind myself that this state is temporary, and eventually my time will be much better aligned with my aspirations.

Online Shareable Lists are Cool

One of the reasons I wanted an iPhone was to have shared lists with Aaron. When I finally got one last fall I didn’t end up putting any list sharing software on it because there didn’t seem to be any good ones.

This week I had another look and found Listingly, which does just about everything I want. Aaron and I now have simple, shareable lists available anywhere that has internet access. Easy to update using my phone too. If there’s anyone you’d like to share to-do lists with, you should take a look at this site.

Building a Backlog of Content

I’m working on writing a backlog of well written content for TPLT. Once I get enough posts in there I’ll start posting them on Wednesdays in addition to the weekly check-in.

That’s it for now. Have a good weekend!

Self-Consciousness

When it comes to this blog I’m incredibly self-conscious. I feel like a fraud. I have a hard time telling people what I write about and feel like I need to defend why I want to write what I write. I need to get over this. The best way to do that is write about stuff I know. So that is what I will do… after the wedding.

Plans

After the wedding this blog will be my top priority. (After usual things like keeping up my current job, keeping my relationships afloat, not letting the house deteriorate too much… etc.) Basically Wedding Crapé will be replaced by Blogging Crapé.

Second to this will be music stuff. Specifically recording an album of Italian Renaissance dance music with Aaron and various other musicians from around these parts.

Third is artsy stuff like sewing myself a new Medieval dress or two for Pennsic. (I’m tired of all the unflattering cotton stuff I have, and my new Tudor Wedding Garb is too nice for camping.) Also I’d like to experiment with making period jewelry and kids clothes to sell. And maybe putting pockets in my skirts.

I will keep this order of precedence in mind.

Letting Go

Methinks I need to let go of some commitments that are weighing me down right now and will weigh me down even more if I try to pursue my already mentioned plans. At the moment, I’m holding on… doing the minimum… but I’m not growing as a leader and the people I’m supposed to be leading are suffering for it. Also I see people who would do a much better job in my place. I shouldn’t stop them from shining.

But it’s hard. I feel guilty for not wanting to grow into these positions. I had dreams for myself and they no longer fit. At the same time I know that feeling guilty about not fulfilling past dreams is silly. It doesn’t make me do what I need to do to be the right person for the job. It just makes me feel bad.

Also, it’s not like I can’t go back to these positions later. I could definitely see myself doing that at some point.

Spending to Earn

I’m thinking about spending money on this Blogging project of mine. I want a better design for the site and I have someone in mind to do it. But that will cost $$. I’ve also been looking for a community to help me get over my business/blogging related mental-blocks. I think I’ve found one that would be a good fit for me, but it costs $$. My hyper-sensitive instinct says paying money for such “help” is a scam or something, but if I view it through the lens of “it’s a class” it’s not so bad.

The trick is I need to block out the time to actually make use of it. It’s not going to be something where I just show up and have everything done for me. I’m going to have to pay money and work. But I think in the end it’ll be worth the effort. I’ll about it for another few weeks before I make any serious commitments. Plus there’s a wait list so I may not even get in.

At this point I trust myself to keep going with this blogging thing. I’ve been doing it for over a year and a half. I’d still really like doing it and want to improve at it. It’s worth throwing money at. Also throwing money at anything not related to music is a big mental block of mine so… yeah.

That’s about it for now. A week from Sunday is The Wedding. You can expect a Weekly Check-in next Friday. After that I’ll be on my honeymoon in Colorado. I’ll try to have some post ready for that Friday. It won’t be a check-in because… I won’t be there for the checking in. But it’ll be something.

Whee!

Wedding

Oh man, this has been eating my time and energy. (In case I haven’t mentioned it, the wedding’s on June 6th. Less than a month away!) Some of the energy/time eating’s been due to worry. Some of it’s been having to face uncomfortable (but good!) things like writing up vows. Some of it’s been guilt at not having personally made much progress on the gowns in a while. (My friends have been incredibly helpful, though.) Here’s what I’ve learned:

• I have great friends. Seriously. They’ve been so helpful and supportive… in an unconditional way. I don’t know how to thank them enough. I don’t know the right way to say thank you.
• I don’t have this money thing down. This has to do with the “I don’t know how to thank my friends”. Part of me thinks I should give a cash gift to thank certain friends that have been over-the-top helpful. Another part of me thinks any gift I could afford to give would be less than what their work is worth. It has to do with the “No one Pays for Thanksgiving Dinner” problem. I want to stay firmly in “social norms”, but I don’t know how to do that. I’m sure they’d be alright if I didn’t strictly give anything, but I still want to. I just don’t know.
• I’m better at being a manager than a producer and I feel uncomfortable about it. When I look back on the past few weeks I haven’t made that much. I’ve made my hat, and I’ve attempted to make the hats for my bridesmaids, and even on those hats I’ve gotten other people to do significant parts of them. Things have been getting done, but I feel weird that I’ve mostly been in the position of “tell others what to do” or “tell someone they’re on the right track” more than I’ve actually been producing.
• *Whispers* I kinda like being a manager. Ok, I said it. It feels good to be in power. And scary. And guilt-inducing. “Only bad people like power.” etc. etc. But things are getting done… I’m just not doing them. No one resents me at the moment (except perhaps some family… but that’s neither my problem nor related to this issue) so I must be doing something right.
• It’s a good idea to not expect your friends to do anything. One thing is ask people to help but not expect them to come through. If they do, I’m thrilled. If they don’t, that’s OK too. This way I totally avoid resentment. Not everyone’s in the same position to give, and that’s alright.
• It’s hard to apply this to my family. All of us have expectations. And resentment. It’s not pretty.

Good thing: I think this wedding is going to happen. Yay!

Guilt

I’ve been afflicted with guilt since… at least elementary school. I remember walking to the bus-stop, worrying and feeling guilty about not having worked on homework that was due in a few days. My hope was that I’d do the right thing in order to avoid the self-punishment. It’s almost never worked, but I feel like there has to be some sort of consequence for me when I don’t keep my promises. I’m starting to see that this reasoning is flawed, but it’s a long-ingrained habit.

Here’s a list of things I’ve learned/realized about my guilt problem:

• I’ve been doing this for a long time. See above.
• I don’t know what a life without guilt looks like. Do I go around breaking promises all the time? With no punishment, why should I be good?
• Hey! That sounds familiar! It’s the “Without the Church people would lose their sense of morality” argument. That’s clearly false. “Good requires Guilt” is probably also false, maybe even for the same reason.
• Still don’t know how to deal with me not keeping my promises. The best of I’ve come up with so far is to:
  1. Figure out why I broke it.
  2. If it’s because it’s something I don’t actually want to be doing, I forgive myself and move on.
  3. If it’s for some other reason I first apologize.
  4. Then I do whatever I can to fix it.

  So, in keeping with that. I’m sorry I didn’t update last Saturday’s post like I said I would. I’m not sure when I’ll get to it. Right now this blog is, sadly, not quite my top top priority. Aside from the obvious tops of Relationships and Work, Wedding comes first right now. Then Blog. Then everything else. I still want to edit that post because I want to improve my writing, but editing takes time and energy I have a hard time providing right now.

  Not sure how much I like this method for guilt-dealing mechanism.

So that’s my check-in for this week. Methinks this will be a good way for me to get in my “one post a week” minimum (and let you get to know me a bit better).

I've never understood the "lone wolf" idea.

Is INDEPENDENT
Independence is about taking responsibility for your life. It’s about doing what you intend to do independent of what other people say. It’s about not waiting for permission to go out and do your thing.

It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s necessary. It’s insufficient.

Is DEPENDENT
Dependence is about realizing you need help to do what you need to do. You alone can only do so much. None of us is truly independent. Look at all the stuff you have. How much of it did you make yourself? If you have anything that you didn’t make yourself–start to finish–you’ve been dependent on someone else to have that thing. Dependence is part of the human condition.

Is INTERDEPENDENT
Interdependence is about both independence and dependence. It’s about being responsible for your actions and accepting help from those who can help you.

Also it’s about giving back. In order for an interdependent society to work, all parties have to give and receive. If you’re interdependent you give freely when someone can use your help and it won’t make you feel resentful. Giving greases the wheels for getting. People are way more willing to help when they feel like they’re paying you back for all the help you’ve given.

An Example: My Wedding
My wedding has turned out to be a lot of work. I’m making my own dress and the dresses for two of my bridesmaids. My choir is singing during the ceremony. Aaron’s dad and step-mom are playing music during the ceremony. We did our own invitations. … And a bunch of other stuff.

If you look at it from far away it almost looks like Aaron and I are doing it all ourselves. That’s anything but true, though.

My dress–which I mostly made myself–has been worked on by more people than just me. From the costuming expert in my local SCA chapter to my sewing savy friends from singing, I really didn’t do all that much of it. Same goes for the bridesmaid’s dresses. Luckily I have an awesome social network filled with talented, generous people.

Music-wise I gave my choir over to one of our talented members to direct during the ceremony. Without his help things would be… interesting.

Invitation wise we got some help with folding paper and stuffing envelopes. We got a friend to draw up the main invitation. We also bought a kit from the store instead of buying paper and cutting it into the appropriate size.

You get the idea. Every piece of this silly event has required the help of at least one other person. Most pieces have required the help of several people. So,yeah, if you look closely, it’s not hard to see how we’ve depended on others.

The independence component of the wedding lies in the choosing what we want to do and making it happen. We organize. We ask. If we just sat around merely dreaming about our perfect wedding it’d never happen.

The giving back component happened before and will happen afterward. Aaron and I do a lot of things for our community. We host singing and music practice. We’ve hosted weekly D&D nights and cooked for people. We volunteer when we find out people we know need help.

We love doing this stuff. We’d do it because it’s the right thing to do and because we enjoy it. I think that because we do this kind of thing freely, many people are willing to help us when we need it. Not everyone mind you, but that’s A-OK.

After the event we’re throwing a thank you party for everyone we can think of that’s helped to make this happen. And when any of them need help with something that I can help with, we’ll be first in line to volunteer.

Final Thoughts
I know I’ve written about the differences between independence, dependence, and interdependence before. I just keep hearing people say that only one of these ideas is the key to success. “You have to be independent.” “You have to rely on others.” “It’s all luck.” “It’s all hard work.”

Everything I’ve experienced has said that all of the above is true. You need to be self-reliant AND you need to rely on others. There’s no either or. If you’re stuck, talk to other people. If you’re feeling too dependent, start taking steps toward self-reliance.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I think we all know that it’s a good idea to take control of our lives. Ideas like independence, self-actualization, autonomy are parts of the American identity, and they’re spreading throughout the world. We want to be powerful forces in our own lives.

And yet it’s now acceptable to blame our parents for our hangups. It’s acceptable to blame the schools and the economy for our joblessness. It’s acceptable to blame fast food restaurants for our bad diets and credit card companies for our crippling debt.

Disconnect much?

Taking responsibility for our lives isn’t easy and isn’t natural, but it’s something we know we ought to do. That’s why it’s on the path less traveled.

So, what’s stopping us from accepting responsibility?

We Expect that Authorities Know Better Than We Do
I’m no psychologist, but I’m willing to bet that anyone who feels controlled by their parents believes that their parents know more than they do. Their Inner Bunny takes on the voice of the especially difficult parent and reminds them of all the times said parent was right. This time is no different! Etc. Person can believe deep down that she’s right but she wants parent to see it that way too. That’s the only way to KNOW it’s right, after all. But parent is not perfect, and does not want to admit that, so person feels trapped.

The solution here is to be rebellious. Not stupid rebellious, of course, but when your heart of hearts tells you something that your parent won’t like, listen to your heart of hearts. Be kind to your parents, though. They’re not perfect and they’re probably trying their best.

…courage to change the things that I can…

We Fear We’ll Prove We Really Are Powerless
If you don’t try then there’s always hope that you could succeed. If you try you might prove that you can’t.

I used to have this problem in school. I didn’t want to try too hard, lest my best turn out to be mediocre. I wanted to be able to tell myself that if I put in a bit more effort I could have aced some test. It’s not a good habit if you actually care about learning the material.

With school, I never figured out a good way to get over this problem. I think perhaps if I cared more about the material than I did about my ego, my life might have been better. But that’s just speculation.

With other stuff the solution is twofold.

1. See Failure is part of the journey. Everyone messes up once in while. Most of us mess up a lot. The only time you’re really a failure, though, is if you quit trying. Learn to accept that. Learn from your mistakes. Failing will get a lot easier and you might just start to redefine failure as simple learning.
2. Take Small Steps. Make your next action toward getting out of your hole something you know you can accomplish. Don’t go on a starvation diet. Find something healthy you like to eat. Don’t trying waking up two hours earlier than normal every day. Try five minutes first. This won’t help if your overarching strategy is off, but with most habits you want to instill you’ll be a lot more successful. In the end you’ll save a lot of time by going slowly too, since you don’t have to go through the shame recovery phase.

…courage to change the things that I can…

Responsibility Sounds Like Shame
It’s not that hard to go into shame mode when you realize you could have made different, better choices. It’s even worse if all that time you knew you could have acted differently. You’re a bad person for having wasted so much of your life, right?

That’s not the point, though. The point of looking back is to see how much power you had. Hindsight it 20/20. Hopefully you’ll be able to trust that you have as much power now as you did then.

Forgive your former self. She wasn’t perfect. She was doing her best. Your responsibility to her is to do better today.

Responsibility is not shame. It’s accepting your own power.

…to accept the things I cannot change…

Sometimes Outside Forces Really Are in Control

You can do everything right and still get cancer. You can do everything wrong (well maybe not everything, but a lot of things) and live ’till you’re 100 and remember where you left your keys. Life isn’t always fair.

And because life isn’t always fair, why play the game as if it is? Why take responsibility at all? The rules can’t be trusted.

The thing is, on an individual level, the rules mostly work. The person you are after you start exercising will feel better than the person you were before you started. You might not feel as awesome as your sister, but that’s besides the point. You may not start out with a trust fund in hand, but if you play the game of life right you’ll probably be able to do what you want to do.

If you get cancer (or hit by a drunk driver or laid off in spite of doing excellent work or whatever) accept it as something you don’t have control over. Then focus on what you do have control over. How you want the rest of your life to get, for instance.

…wisdom to know the difference.

As I said, it’s acceptable these days to know why you have the problems you do and then not do anything. To assign responsibility to someone else for where your life goes. That’s not a good thing. It undermines your own power. And quite frankly your life is primarily your responsibility.

Taking responsibility for your life, acknowledging your own power, is difficult, but totally worthwhile. That’s why it’s on the path less traveled.

If someone’s vegetarian, chances are good I’ll think of them positively.

If someone doesn’t like reading for pleasure, chances are good I’ll think of them negatively.

And these are just surface characteristics. If they’re doing things I think are harmful like eating non-food items or spending more than they earn, I’ll not only judge them, but want to confront them about it.

This isn’t a malicious tendency. I’m aligned with Truth. I want others to be too.

But this tendency to judge and preach isn’t all that effective. It’s arrogant and self-centered instead of helpful.  Arrogant because I don’t know everything. Self-centered because what makes sense for me won’t necessarily make sense for everyone.

Here’s something that’s gotten me in trouble before. I love cooking, I believe it enriches my life, and I believe it is the best way to ensure that the food you pay for comes from good sources. I feel very strongly about this and think a lot of people would do well to start doing their own cooking. Just because I believe this, though, doesn’t mean that everyone can, will, or should learn to cook for themselves. It’s certainly possible to live a good, happy life without every developing cooking skills. I have to be open to the idea that the person I encounter falls in this category.

For the most part I’ve learned to deal with this tendency. If you think you fall into this trap too, here’s some advice.

First, start noticing when you start judging other people. You can’t stop a habit if you don’t realize when you do it.

Second, when you notice you’re doing it, Bite your tongue before saying something you might regret.

Third, channel your energy into understanding them rather than preaching. People like feeling they’re understood, and you’ll be better able to give advice if you’re asked.

Also, remember that there no one right way to live. If someone is happy with the way their life is going, be happy for them. If their happiness doesn’t make sense to you, all the more reason to look for understanding.

When I have had success giving advice it’s because of done the following.

I Assumed I Didn’t Know the Whole Story

When someone comes to you for answers, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of giving them right away. That’s the natural course of the conversation. You’ve already got a pretty good idea of the issue is…

Instead you should make sure you understand the situation. Explain it to your friend in your own words. If you can’t get them to clarify. By doing this you double check your own understanding of the situation AND your friend can trust your understanding.

People are way more willing to heed the advice of someone who they believe understands their situation. I know I’m this way. What about you?

I Asked Them To Be Brutally Honest with Me

If your friend doesn’t like what you have to say, you need to hear it. There’s no way you can defend or amend your view if you don’t know what your friend thinks of it.

This of course means you need to be prepared for criticism. You need to be willing to adjust your advice to fit your friend. You need to take your ego out of the picture. It’s not about you or your ability to give good advice, it’s about your friend’s wellbeing. That’s the important thing, which leads to the next item on the list….

I Kept Their Best Interest at the Forefront

Again, it’s about your friend, not about you. Encourage them to live up to their potential. Give advice that makes sense given the information you now have.

Love them.

I Asked Lots of Questions

Ideally try to get them to solve their own problems. It’s more effective than telling them what to do (even if telling them what to do feels more satisfying).

I Offered to Be There for Them In the Future

Tell them that you’ll be there for them. Figuring out what you need to do to solve your problem can happen in an evening. Actually going out and solving it is often much harder. Your friends may fail, and when they do they’ll need someone to help get them back on the right track. That’s your job.

That’s all there is to it.