Date Posted: February 12th, 2010
I have a tendency to judge everyone I meet. If I find out someone’s vegetarian, I will probably think of them positively. If I find out someone doesn’t like reading for pleasure, I’ll probably think of them negatively. And these are just surface characteristics. If they’re actually doing things I think are harmful like eating non-food items or spending more than they earn I’ll not only judge them, but want to confront them about it.
This isn’t a malicious tendency. I’m aligned with Truth. I want others to be too. It’s just not really all that effective. Ideally I’d be able to help people live up to their potential. Instead it hinders my ability to understand others and is arrogant and self-centered. Arrogant because I don’t know everything. Self-centered because what makes sense for me won’t necessarily make sense for everyone.
Here’s something that’s gotten me in trouble before. I love cooking, I believe it enriches my life, and I believe it is the best way to ensure that the food you pay for comes from good sources. I feel very strongly about this and think a lot of people would do well to start doing their own cooking. Just because I believe this, though, doesn’t mean that everyone can, will, or should learn to cook for themselves. It’s certainly possible to live a good, happy life without every developing cooking skills. I have to be open to the idea that the person I encounter falls in this category.
For the most part I’ve learned to deal with this tendency. If you think you fall into this trap too, here’s some advice.
First, start noticing when you start judging other people. You can’t stop a habit if you don’t realize when you do it.
Second, when you notice you’re doing it, Bite your tongue before saying something you might regret.
Third, channel your energy into understanding them rather than preaching. People like feeling they’re understood, and you’ll be better able to give advice if you’re asked.
Also, remember that there no one right way to live. If someone is happy with the way their life is going, be happy for them. If they’re happiness doesn’t make sense to you, all the more reason to look for understanding.
Tags:
Character-Development, Leadership, Relationships.
Posted at
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Date Posted: February 5th, 2010
One of the most frustrating things I’ve experienced is learning that someone who’d asked me for advice, didn’t take the advice I gave. While I know at least some of the reasons for that have nothing to do with me, a good portion of why the advice didn’t stick was my fault. If you’re having similar problems with getting people to take the advice that they ask for, chances are you’re at least partially to blame.
When I have had success giving advice it’s because of done the following.
I Assumed I Didn’t Know the Whole Story
When someone comes to you for answers, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of giving them right away. That’s the natural course of the conversation. You’ve already got a pretty good idea of the issue is…
Instead you should make sure you understand the situation. Explain it to your friend in your own words. If you can’t get them to clarify. By doing this you double check your own understanding of the situation AND your friend can trust your understanding.
People are way more willing to heed the advice of someone who they believe understands their situation. I know I’m this way. What about you?
I Asked Them To Be Brutally Honest with Me
If your friend doesn’t like what you have to say, you need to hear it. There’s no way you can defend or amend your view if you don’t know what your friend thinks of it.
This of course means you need to be prepared for criticism. You need to be willing to adjust your advice to fit your friend. You need to take your ego out of the picture. It’s not about you or your ability to give good advice, it’s about your friend’s wellbeing. That’s the important thing, which leads to the next item on the list….
I Kept Their Best Interest at the Forefront
Again, it’s about your friend, not about you. Encourage them to live up to their potential. Give advice that makes sense given the information you now have.
Love them.
I Asked Lots of Questions
Ideally try to get them to solve their own problems. It’s more effective than telling them what to do (even if telling them what to do feels more satisfying).
I Offered to Be There for Them In the Future
Tell them that you’ll be there for them. Figuring out what you need to do to solve your problem can happen in an evening. Actually going out and solving it is often much harder. Your friends may fail, and when they do they’ll need someone to help get them back on the right track. That’s your job.
That’s all there is to it.
Tags:
Character-Development, Relationships.
Posted at
9:33 pm | No Comments »
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