Ask Monique: Speaking Your Mind When No One Asked
Date Posted: April 30th, 2010
Dear Monique,
The other day I was with with some friends and we ended up talking about a touchy subject I have strong feelings about. I wasn’t sure if I should bring up said strong feelings because I know my friends don’t share my beliefs. I feel conflicted. On the one hand I feel like I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind. On the other hand, no one asked for my opinion or to be challenged. What should I do? When is it alright to rock the boat?
-Quietly Opinionated
Hi Opinionated,
The time to bring up your opinion is when you’re doing it to express yourself, not to change anyone. When sharing your beliefs is about letting your friends get to know you better, they won’t think badly of you–at least they won’t if they’re sane–and they’ll be more likely to come around to your way of thinking.
The reason this works is that expression by itself isn’t threatening. There’s no pressure on your friends to change. They can listen–and later reflect–in safety and comfort. There’s no need for them to expend energy defending their beliefs because you aren’t attacking.
There is a chance that your friends will want to attack challenge you, though. In that case you have two options:
One, you can insist that you’re not interested in debating it right now. This has the advantage of killing the conversation. You get the last word and everyone else can ponder what you’ve said. The disadvantage is you don’t get to test your beliefs.
Two, you can debate but I’d highly suggest that you do this only if you’re willing to change your opinion. If you’re willing to do that you’ll be more able to listen to the arguments your friends make, you’ll have more self-restraint when presenting your side (i.e. you’ll be able to avoid saying hurtful things), and you’ll be able to filter out any mean things your friends might saying while they’re on the defensive. If you aren’t detached chances are someone’s feelings will get hurt. :-/
No matter what, don’t let fear of an argument be the primary reason you stay quiet. You don’t have to argue or defend your beliefs. You can state them and be done with it. No one gets hurt and everyone learns something.
Good Luck!
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