Two Easy Methods for Accepting Feedback
Date Posted: January 16th, 2010
Some fairly common advice in self-help books and blogs is to seek feedback, usually from your boss or your your spouse. This is great advice, of course, but it’s not that easy to follow. At least it hasn’t been easy for me to follow. On an intellectual level I understand that getting external feedback about what I’m doing is good for my development, but on an emotional level I really have to prepare myself to receive it without lashing out like a hurt child. I have found some methods that make it easier to accept feedback, and that’s what this post is about.
Pick an Area of Focus
It’s much easier to accept external feedback in an area if you’ve decided to focus on improving that area. The reason is that even if you’re the only person analyzing your work you need to be emotionally distanced enough to see where to improve. Putting your ego aside is a prerequisite. Once you’ve done that, it’s not too hard to accept other people’s advice too.
Another benefit of having picked a single area of focus is that you’ve already decided that this is an area worth working on. You aren’t waffling over whether or not you really want to improve. This is incredibly important. As I said earlier, many books (the Covey books come to mind… as well as Seth Godin’s) recommend you seek out advice from your boss on how to be a better employee. But what happens if you really aren’t sure you want to focus on your career? Are you really in a place to accept the feedback you’d get? Of course not!
I suppose it’s possible to pick an area to work on that you aren’t really comfortable working on. So, a rule of thumb: if thinking about working on an area makes you feel nauseated work on your emotional hangups first.
Pick a Person
The second method for getting used to receiving feedback is to pick a person to focus on deepening your relationship with … or several if you’re taking things really slowly. Obvious people are your significant other (how can I be a better partner?) and your kids (how can I be a better parent?), but you could add anyone: parents, siblings, friends, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparents, etc. Ask them how you could be a better friend to them. Or if you aren’t quite that bold, ask them for advice in areas where they have some experience or passion. If you’re having trouble keeping your resolution to stay fit, ask someone who is fit to help you out. Chances are they’ve been dying to give you advice for a while now.
The key here is to ask for advice from QUALIFIED people. I know it seems obvious, but it’s incredibly easy to forget this, especially if you have few people to turn to. Everyone has their blind spots. Your parents may be great at giving you advice on how to take care of your house, but maybe not so much on starting an unconventional career. Your best friend who’s many relationships haven’t lasted longer than 6 months many not be the best person to turn to for advice on how to keep the flame burning brightly in your long term relationship, but she’s probably a good person to turn to on how to handle life transitions. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out their take on things they aren’t really qualified to give advice on, it just means you should take it with a hefty dose of salt… especially if their advice trips your bad advice sensor.
You’ll find that when you express your willingness to change to your person of choice, amazing things will happen to your relationship with them. They’ll be more likely to open up to you about the misgivings they have with you in the hopes that you’ll listen and change your ways. When you do change for the better they’ll be very surprised and happy with you. At the same time they may be more open to receiving your advice too. You’ll feel free to be yourself around them and you’ll be able to confront them directly with your issues without worry that they’ll take your frustration to mean that you think they’re worthless.
In short, picking a single area of focus makes it such that you only have to put your ego aside in that area. It’s much easier to do that than to keep your ego aside everywhere. By picking one person to solicit feedback from, once you get used to asking them for feedback you’ll find it easier to do the same with more people. Basically these are good, not too painful places to start.
