Expectation: The Prime Cause of Frustration
Date Posted: December 9th, 2009
If I had to bet, I’d say that at least 90% of frustration comes from reality not matching our expectations.
Example: You’re frustrated with your spouse because she didn’t do the dishes. (Read: You expected her to do them and their not done.)
Example: You’re frustrated with your parents because they treat you differently than your sister. (You expect them to treat you both equally and they don’t.)
Example: You’re frustrated with the cell phone company for charging you an outrageous fee for going over your allotment. (You expected them to at least notify you when you went over.)
Example: You’re frustrated with the water heater breaking after buying it only a year ago. (You expected it to last another 10 years.)
Example: You’re frustrated with your boss because she doesn’t heed your recommendations. (You expect her to act on your recommendations.)
Example: You send a party invitation with the logistics info included, and someone replies to the email asking where the party’s at. (You expect people to read their email.)
And so on. What these examples have in common is that the frustration is in response to an external stimulus. You expect something you have no direct control over to respond a certain way. When it doesn’t, your response is to be frustrated.
I do this all the time. I expect someone or something to act a certain way and he/she/it doesn’t. I expect an authority figure to respond a certain way. I expect my friends to act a certain way. I expect my coworkers, my board members, my singers, my fellow musicians, my family to act in certain ways, and when they don’t I get frustrated.
This behavior is, of course, really silly. I have no control over anyone other than myself. And even if I did, that doesn’t mean they can read my mind. They don’t know how I expect them to behave. Not to mention that these beliefs on how the world works come mostly from my social conditioning, which we all know is less than accurate.
It doesn’t make any sense to spend energy getting angry about things we have no control over. Getting angry doesn’t make change, it just makes you feel terrible. These days when I notice myself getting frustrated with someone or something I instead try to answer the follow questions:
Is this an expectation thing? Unsurprisingly it almost always is. By asking the question, I automatically detach myself from the situation, and in detaching the frustration feeling diminishes tenfold.
Is it a worldview thing? Is this an instance where my worldview does not match the actual world? Often I can’t tell for sure right away, but it does get me questioning what I believe, which is good.
Should I inform the person of my frustration? Depends on the person and the situation. How secure do I feel about the issue? If I don’t feel that secure, I tend to think about it some more and keep my mouth shut until then. I don’t know if that’s the best policy, but it does keep me from burning bridges. Is the issue causing me to develop contempt? If it is, I tend to confront saying something along the lines of “this issue has been really bothering me and I don’t want the situation to devolve into something worse.” This tactic has worked well so far I suspect because people tend to appreciate you doing things to keep your friendship working. It also helps to follow up by asking them how they feel about the situation. 
Asking myself these questions has done wonders for helping me get over my passive aggressive tendencies. I’ve developed a hell of a lot more compassion and my friendships are stronger for it.
Is it scary to confront someone? Yeah it is, and I still have a long way to go toward developing my character and courage to do it effectively, but when I have confronted some and it’s worked, it’s worked really really well.
