Date Posted: December 21st, 2009
An excerpt from Refrigerator Rights of a woman who wrote to the authors:
My husband and I have made three vacation trips to San Diego in the past year. We fell in love with the area the first trip and spent the next two trips scouting out the “small towns” surrounding San Diego trying to find just the right spot. Our third trip we attended our San Diego friend’s wedding and met many locals who were friendly and actually invited us to dinner while we were in town. I have no problem making friends, and although we weill be leaving our friends here, I am positive we will make new friends in California.
Some of our Illinois friends and mostly our family have chastised us for our future plans to relocate. Protests range from … “It’s so expensive out there,” “Aren’t you afraid of earthquakes, you can’t get insurance, you know,” “How can you leave your job and start over?” My husband’s out-of-state sisters advised us to “wait until Mom is gone before you leave her here alone in Illinois.” My mother, who is so emotionally dependent on me, just cries every time I try to put “replacement me” people into place to help her. Both of my siblings live out of state also and have not spoken to our mother for more than a year. We continue to put our ducks in a row to complete this move, but emotionally we are both being drained.
Reading this excerpt really pushed my buttons, especially the bit in bold. I understand we don’t have the full story here, but what nerve those sisters have to tell their brother to stay put. If they really cared about their mother they’d move back home to help! I’m not really sure what to think of the rest. The reasons they give the couple to stay behind are really besides the point. There’s lots of reasons to move from Illinois too!
Should they leave? Should they stay? I’d say it depends on the resentment factor. If staying in Illinois would make the couple feel resentful then they should leave. Martyrdom is not a good place to be. It also sounds like their Illinois people don’t really have the couple’s best interest at heart. (The book all but says otherwise… but the book is very weird.) If they did they’d try to be helpful and set up systems to keep the relationship alive and well. Maybe they’d consider moving to San Diego too. Maybe they’d give them a copy of the book. Maybe try to find out what it is about San Diego that draws them there. Maybe Illinois also has it. There are lots of options. Guilting someone into staying behind, though, while it might work, is a really bad thing. It poisons the relationship. If you want someone to resent you, guilt them into curbing their desires. That’ll make it happen right quick.
I got lucky. Ann Arbor is a place I genuinely want to live and it’s close to my family. I’ve had experience living out of state too. I lived in Austin, TX for 8 months, and while it had its perks it was missing some important things like… fall. 
Another place I considered moving to was Asheville, NC, but in all seriousness it was a lot like Ann Arbor except it had mountains. Might as well stay in Ann Arbor. After thinking about it some more, I realized that the only places I’d really want to move to are Canada and Europe, since the culture would actually be different, there’d be national healthcare, and in the case of Europe, history would be all around me. But I don’t feel really compelled to leave Ann Arbor, right now, so why should I? I suppose that’s the ideal situation. Find a city near your family that actually fits your personality. Then you satisfy yourself and your family.
What do you think?
Tags:
Character-Development, Emotional Health, Family, Relationships.
Posted at
10:32 am | No Comments »
Date Posted: December 16th, 2009
Most people I know could do well to have stronger, more intimate relationships. Just like how modern life isn’t structured to give us adequate exercise, it also isn’t structure such that we automatically develop deep relationships. We have to be proactive. Below are a 10 ways to strengthen the relationships we already have. The first half focus on building a structure so these relationships can grow. The second half focus on how to be a better friend.
1 ) Schedule Regular Get-togethers
This is the number one best way to strengthen the relationships you already have. Schedule a regular time to meet with the people you want to get to know better. Preferably at your home. It doesn’t matter how small your place is. Aaron and I used to invite people to our one bedroom apartment all the time. It was pretty cramped and often not spotless, but people didn’t care. (Or at least they kept coming back.)
The more often you see someone the easier it is to open up to them. But what’s also true is if you invite someone over too often they’ll get tired of the frequency. If you have a scheduled, repeating time to see someone (or a group of people) then it no longer feels like anyone’s time is getting monopolized. It’s an activity you’ve all committed to.
2 ) Call Regularly
Call your important people somewhat frequently. Once or twice a week. It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular. Just share what you’ve been up to, what you’ve been dreaming about, and listen to their thoughts and dreams. I know I love sharing these kinds of things with anyone who seems interested, and more often than not I’ve found other people love to talk as well. These are the kind of topics that keep people interested.
Do this often enough, be willing to talk about deeper things and you’ll find your relationships strengthen, even if you aren’t in the same city.
3 ) Use Instant Messenger
There’s something to be said about being in constant contact with someone all day long. When I’m at work, I have my IM client open with a constant link to Aaron. We don’t talk all the time — in fact we’ve agreed to not have intense conversations while at work — but having the weak link is nice and comfy. Comfy relationships tend to be strong relationships.
4 ) Update Your Personal Blog
Throughout high school and part of college I kept up a personal blog, and so did many of my friends and acquaintances. A lot of what we wrote wasn’t very insightful or helpful, but it was open and honest. I was always amazed at how close I felt to people who regularly updated their blogs, and because of that closeness I felt more comfortable talking to people I wouldn’t ordinarily talk to, just because I read their blog. And with my main friends the relationships grew closer because of how candid we were willing to be in our journals.
5 ) Volunteer When They’re In Need
If your friend needs help–even if they aren’t asking for it–offer it. If your friend just had a baby, offer to do the dishes for a few days. If your friends are moving, offer to help them move. If you notice your friend is feeling down, find a way to cheer them up. Take the initiative. Doing so is an instant relationship strengthener.
For a few of my friends, a major reason I’m still loyal to them is something they did for me many years ago that both needed and didn’t expect them to do. 
6 ) Schedule Weekly Activities
This is similar to the regular get-togethers, but with more purpose. If you all like music you could get together and play music together. If you all like games you can get together and play games. If you like exercise you can do your favorite form of exercise together. Etc. I’ve found that sharing things I’m passionate is a great medium for getting to know someone. That’s when you’re all at your best and you learn special specific things about each other that none of you would have known otherwise.
7 ) Take Risks
Push people’s buttons a bit. Family and good friends do this for each other all the time. We all have our sensitive issues that we ought to deal with. Challenge these important people to be better. Doing this effectively is an art. It takes some practice. But if you don’t do it your relationships will stay in mediocre land.
8 ) Learn to Take Criticism Well
Just like how you should encourage those closest to you to be better, you also need to work at being a better person. If your friends know you’re good at taking criticism they’ll both be more likely to give it to you and more likely to listen to the advice you give them. It’s a relationships strengthener.
9 ) Work on Detachment
The deeper the friendship the more valuable and more difficult it will get over time. You’ll know you can depend on your friends, but at the same it will affect you more when they make bad decisions. Also, because you’ve gotten to a point where you’re pretty sure they won’t leave if you say something uncomfortable to them, you run the risk of saying risk of giving them advice that’s more about making you feel better than it is about helping them. Not good.
The way to combat this is by developing detachment and a thick skin. It enables you to keep your friend’s wellbeing at the forefront and to notice when the advice you give is more about you than them.
10 ) Make Roots
If people know you’re going to be around for a while they’ll be more likely to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re going to be around in a year or two. Stability is rare these days, and is valued more than you might think.
To be clear, I don’t think you should feel obligated to live where you grew up. What I do think is that it’s a good idea to find a place you like and make your career decisions based on location. Pick city first, then pick where you want to work. Or even better, pick a career that can be done anywhere. ***Cough***Blogging***Cough***
You’ll notice that all of these things take a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice. There are no shortcuts. But on the bright side, the journey is incredibly rewarding and the things you learn along the way will help you in whatever you want to do with your life.
Tags:
Detachment, Relationships.
Posted at
1:34 pm | No Comments »
