Integrity Healing for Yourself and Others
Date Posted: October 16th, 2009
One of the most frustrating, demotivating situations in life is when you make a promise to yourself and you don’t keep it. Even worse when you’ve made it to both yourself and several other people. Then not only do you feel bad about yourself, but everyone you told thinks less of you too.
On the flip side, when someone you know is making promises to get better, but has a history of 0 follow-through, how do you deal? You already think negatively of him/her, but you want to support a change for the better. What do you do?
I’ve experienced both situations many times. I like improving myself, but more often than not (especially a few years ago) I’d make promises that I neither could keep or wanted to keep. I’d say I’m going to get up at 7AM every day and get a fresh start on my homework. I’d tell myself that. I’d tell Aaron that. The next morning I might get up and try it, realize that homework in the morning sucks. Moreover, getting out of a warm bed isn’t all that pleasant either. On the second day I’d quit. My promise: broken. My integrity: damaged a bit. Aaron’s trust in me: also a wee bit damaged.
Or maybe I’d say I’d finally spend the next few months learning a new language or intensively focusing on a new instrument. An hour a day on each, I’d say. Only to realize that the few times that hour was available I really didn’t want to work on either said instrument or said language. Another promise broken. Another reputation slightly damaged. Not cool.
Over time I’ve found a way to set goals without damaging my integrity. That process is the four steps below.
Step 1) Stop lying Don’t make false promises. You’ve been failing everything so far, so don’t make promises you don’t know you’ll be able to keep. Take the pressure off. For the time being couch everything in “I’ll try”, or “I’m attempting”.
This goes against the teachings of intention manifestation, since “maybe” or “I’ll try” are less comital. Saying those things might mean you aren’t serious about following through on your goal. I must say, though, that I’ve been able to achieve my goals a lot better when I’ve been honest, than when I’ve been delusional.
Step 2) Make small goals What I mean by small goals is things you’d like to do, you think you’re capable of, but haven’t done yet. Detatch yourself from the outcome. If you fail, that’s OK. Some good places to start are physical goals like exercise or diet, or mental goals like spending an hour this week writing or meditating. Just make sure they’re things you’re most likely to succeed at. Also make sure they aren’t indefinitely long. Promise you’ll wake up early tomorrow, not every day for the rest of your life. You want to have a chance to evaluate how you did.
Step 3) Do it
Step 4) Take notes on the experience How did you do? Did you do it? How do you feel having done it? Is it something you’d like to try to do again next week? Same thing? Make it harder? Make it easier? Do you want to try a different goal.
And that’s it. The important thing is to stop lying about your ability to keep your promises. Picking yourself up when you inevitably fail is a lot easier that way.
Eventually, you can start making promises about things you’re less sure you can do. When you’re less lackadaisical about making commitments, when you trust yourself to keep your word, you can make scarier commitments that force you to stretch yourself. Just don’t do it lightly.
What do I do when my friend is the one not keeping commitments? First have faith that she’s trying and really does want to make the change. Second consider talking with her about saying maybe and try instead of “I definitely will”. Talk some about how achieving her goal can be made easier, what are some of the pitfalls she might experience. Express that you want her to succeed. Etc.
If she’s open to listening to your advice, great. Make sure it’s heard as you helping her succeed and not you dashing her plans. Have some understanding and some empathy. It’ll go a long way toward her moving out of her rut.
If this post was interesting to you, you should check out Keeping Promises To Yourself. It’s more about why you’re having a hard time keeping those promises and some tricks to making following through more pleasant.
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