Abstinence: Q&A
Date Posted: March 8th, 2009
This is the last post in a series of five posts. You can check out the first four here: My Story, Advantages, Disadvantages, Lies They Told Me.
This post is in Question and Answer format. (It’s like I’m interviewing myself!)
Enjoy!
Are you happy you decided to be abstinent?
Yes. Very much so. It was definitely the right decision for me at the time. Allow me to list the reasons:
- I was a late bloomer. It wasn’t until I was 19 that I was sure I wasn’t asexual.
- I wholehearted believed that children ought to be created within marriage. I certainly wanted that for my own life, anyway.
- I resonated strongly with all of the advantages of abstinence.
To have done anything else would simply have been wrong for me.
My life’s turned out quite well because of it too. I didn’t get pregnant too early or contract any diseases, and I didn’t have to spend any energy worrying about those things either. I have a great fiance, so clearly abstaining hasn’t affected my ability to get a mate. (In fact, it’s never been an issue for me.) I learned how to be patient. I learned how to be assertive. I have an excellent reference point for keeping promises to myself. There’ve simply been a lot of good things that came into my life because I took the abstinence path.
Knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time and change your decision to be abstinent until marriage, would you?
Sort of. I wouldn’t change my actions in any way (I’m glad I took my time to get physical), but I would change my promise from “no sex until marriage” to “no sex until engagement and/or I feel ready to have and can afford kids”. If I had held that belief I might have been a little less judgmental of my more adventurous classmates.
If you suddenly found yourself single would you go back to being abstinent?
If it happened right now I’d probably do a variation on the abstinence thing. Like wait a year or two before having intercourse. Even with contraception, sex still means potential children to me, so I’d want to make sure the potential father is a good guy. A year or so of waiting is a good mark for that, in my opinion.
However, I probably wouldn’t wait quite as long to do other non-intercourse sexual activities. I’m over the “first-time” squeamishness, and I don’t associate those things with children-creation, so waiting for those things really isn’t necessary.
What advice would you give teenagers who are struggling with whether or not to abstain?
There’s only one essential thing you need to do: figure out what your beliefs are about relationships, sex, and children. Do you think it’s OK for sex and children to be separated? Do you think it’s OK for kids to be conceived outside of marriage? Once you’ve figured that out, the rest is straightforward. Not necessarily easy, but straightforward.
It may take a while to figure that out, though, so you’ll need to have a plan for what to do until then. The best thing you can do is avoid getting into a relationship until you’ve determined what you believe. Why? Because you’re figuring out what you believe independent of your partner and because you don’t have to negotiate temporary rules until you know what you want.
That’s all fine and good, of course, unless you’re already in a relationship. If you are you’ll already have some rules in place–whether you’ve consciously set them or not–so keep going by them but make sure you’re staying safe. Unprotected sex is not a good idea for people who don’t have the resources to deal with the consequences! And still try to figure out what your beliefs are. If you feel comfortable, talk to your SO about it. It’ll probably be an intimacy increasing conversation. (Yay intimacy!)
When you figure out what you want you’ll find the strength to uphold your beliefs. Anything else will just make you feel sick.
Final thoughts?
I’m really glad I waited until just a few months ago to have sex. I’m also really really really glad we didn’t wait until we got married, since I’d have lost my blinders after I’d just made a lifelong commitment. Definitely not good.
I hope you all enjoyed this series. I know I would have appreciated it when I was a sophomore in high school. If you have any questions or comments feel free to comment or send me a message. I’d love to hear from you!
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