Giving and Taking Advice from “Inferiors”
Date Posted: December 20th, 2008
When Jesus had finished these parables, he moved on from there. Coming to his hometown, he began teaching the people in their synagogue, and they were amazed. “Where did this man get this wisdom and these miraculous powers?” they asked. “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Mary, and aren’t his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these things?” And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor.”
And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.
Mathew 13:53-58
People aren’t very good at listening to criticism. It’s a skill that needs to be learned and practiced, and most of us never really figure out how to do it properly. Many adults turn into children the moment someone question their goals or methods, and even more simply tune out or filter what’s being said. It’s hard to stay emotionally present when it feels like you’re getting a personal attack.
We have this problem with all people we come in contact with, but there is one situation that is particularly difficult to handle with grace: listening to equals and to “inferiors”. At first glance there’s no reason you should give any weight to an equal or inferior’s opinion. Someone who’s your equal, like a spouse or a coworker, presumably doesn’t have any more insight into what you’re doing than you do, so there’s no real need to heed their advice. You have no reason to trust them. And if it’s someone who’s your inferior, say a child, a teenager, or someone who’s diaper you once changed, it’s really hard to take him/her seriously since he/she presumably knows less than you do. Yet if we disregard what he/she has to say we could be missing out on some really useful feedback.
For the Superior
The lesson here is to be humble. There are “prophets” in your family and what your spouse is complaining about is probably something you should work on. Another thing to remember is that taking advice from an inferior doesn’t actually mean you’re any less worthy of respect. It just means you’re truly wise. There’s no shame in taking good advice, no matter where it comes from. The most admired companies are the ones unafraid to take suggestions from the janitor if the idea is good. The same thing works for people.
This idea extends to hearing wacky ideas from an inferior too. If Jesus was less strong-willed he might have stopped preaching after hearing such discouraging things from people he cared about and previously respected. How many people haven’t pursued their dreams because an adult lambasted their ideas at a crucial stage? Too many I’m sure. So if your teenager wants to be a surgeon when he grows up, but doesn’t seem to enjoy science, instead of telling him to pick a different goal, try to coax a love of science and get him to understand that biology and being a surgeon go together.
For the Inferior
If you’re the inferior attempting to give advice to a superior, the thing to remember is that you aren’t necessarily wrong even if they don’t listen. Similarly if you’re going against family wisdom and they’re cutting you down to size, take a step back to analyze they’re motives. Sometimes they’re being honest and are just trying to help you be honest with yourself. Sometimes they’re acting out of fear and a narrow worldview. How can you tell the difference? Ask yourself these questions as you analyze their response:
- What is their experience with the issue? Are you venturing into uncharted territory? Are you being called an idealist? Many people are scared of the unknown, and if they care about you they may try to inflict their fear onto you… for your own good. If this is the case you can safely filter out their advice, especially if you’ve thought through your decision. Instead, look elsewhere for support.
- How violent is their reaction? If your dad’s yelling and screaming at you over your analysis of his behavior you may be touching a nerve. Take heart, you’re probably onto something. On the other hand if the reaction is thoughtful and non-reactive that either means you’re on the wrong path or he’s in major denial. Ultimately there’s not much you can do here. Examine the situation some more, and if you still believe you’re right and that his behavior needs to change, try to garner support from some people he’s more likely to take seriously. If that doesn’t work, emotionally detach. Don’t let him affect you. It’s not worth the effort.
- Are they trying to help you? You have a great idea but your significant other shoots it down. Is she saying that you’re incapable or is she trying to help you find a better way to accomplish your goals. If you’re not sure which it is, ask. Phrase your question something like this, “Are you attacking my goal or my method?” Then take it from there. You might have a partner who’ll help you succeed!
Once you’ve analyzed the situation you should be able to proceed in an empowered way.
It’s a shame when good people refuse to listen to the messages that they need to hear. It’s depressing when smart kids are socialized to believe they’re incapable of achieving their dreams. This sort of thing happens way too often. Luckily we have the power to stay present in the face of painful advice. We have the power to empower others. It just takes a bit of consciousness and a bit of practice.
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