Date Posted: December 22nd, 2008
Something I often struggle with is striking balance in my life. I want to have a passionate fulfilling career AND a passionate fulfilling family life. Not a simple thing since both tend to take hold of me at the most inopportune times. Like when I’m snuggling with Aaron I get some ideas for a post and when I have an afternoon set aside for writing, I’ll start thinking about all the chores that need to be done. Inevitably I have no inspiration then. From what I can tell, it’s virtually impossible to tell my creative side when to turn on and when not to turn on. And when I tell it to turn leave me alone, it’s less likely to turn on in the first place.
A simple solution is to just listen to my creative side, but then I run into the risk of becoming obsessed with my career, which is definitely not something I want. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t intend to have kids, but when Aaron and I do one day have kids, splitting attention between creativity and needy little ones is not something I want to have to struggle with. So right now, whenever the urge to write strikes at an inconvenient moment I feel a tremendous surge of negative feelings like guilt and fear no matter what I choose to do. Not exactly stuff I want to be experiencing.
This morning I came up with a solution that I’ll be experimenting with: find a purpose that encompasses all essential aspects of your life. Then the different parts of your life will work in synergy instead of against each other.
How to Use Purpose for Balance: An Example
If I could only use one word to describe my purpose it would be “clarity”. LVC is a pretty obvious expression of this. But what about other parts of my life? The more I think about it, the more I find that clarity applies to more than just my blog. It applies to my relationship, it will apply to raising children, and It even applies to my early music endeavors. How can you clearly appreciate the beauty of life if you’ve never been exposed to something as wonderful as Monteverdi’s Lamento D’Arriana? 
Practically everything I do is in the service of developing greater clarity for myself and inspiring greater clarity in others.
So how does this help me with balance? Basically everything I do is toward the same end, so there’s no guilt if I follow my inspiration. Nothing is inconvenient. If I get strongly inspired to write whilst I’m spending time with someone I care about, both options, staying with the person or disengaging and taking the time to write, are aligned with my purpose. It doesn’t matter which I choose, I’m still serving my purpose.
I have a sneaking suspicion that purpose driven creativity can be tamed as long as whatever it is you’re doing instead of acting on your creativity is in service of your purpose. It certainly works in interpersonal relationships. If a friend has to cancel a get-together, I don’t mind if she has a good excuse, but if there isn’t an excuse (or a bad excuse) I feel less happy about it.
How to use Purpose for Balance: Things to Think About
The first step, of course, is to find a guiding purpose… which is easier said than done… and deserves its own post. 
As a way to test if the purpose you’ve come up with is to try applying it to important aspects of your life. Does it genuinely fit into your career, your family, your hobbies? If something you do isn’t in service of your purpose, do you mind choosing your purpose inspired creativity over it? If you have negative feelings about choosing your purpose over it, explore the feeling more. It may signal that your purpose isn’t quite right or it may signal an unhealthy attachment to whatever it is you’d have to say no to or it may be something else entirely. Whatever it is, it’s something you need to consider.
Once you have a purpose that you think fits well actually apply it to your life. When you’re about to spend a chunk of your day on something, ask yourself “Is this in service of my purpose?”. Let that guide your actions. That doesn’t mean that everything you do must be directly aligned with purpose (eating, sleeping, and getting dressed in the morning are only indirectly supporting my purpose) but it does mean that we should be aware of what is and what isn’t. After a while, if the purpose you’ve come up with is actually your purpose, you’ll naturally start to align with it. It’s you, after all.
Methinks that when we’re living in alignment with our values and purpose, the idea of “balance” changes. It’s no longer about choosing between mutually exclusive actions, but about making sure your life has enough variety to make it interesting. For the next couple weeks I’m going to very consciously apply this idea to my life. Expect a report from me in around the new year.
Tags:
Intuition, Purpose, Relationships, Subconscious.
Posted at
1:33 pm | No Comments »
Date Posted: December 20th, 2008
When Jesus had finished these parables, he moved on from there. Coming to his hometown, he began teaching the people in their synagogue, and they were amazed. “Where did this man get this wisdom and these miraculous powers?” they asked. “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Mary, and aren’t his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these things?” And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor.”
And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.
Mathew 13:53-58
People aren’t very good at listening to criticism. It’s a skill that needs to be learned and practiced, and most of us never really figure out how to do it properly. Many adults turn into children the moment someone question their goals or methods, and even more simply tune out or filter what’s being said. It’s hard to stay emotionally present when it feels like you’re getting a personal attack.
We have this problem with all people we come in contact with, but there is one situation that is particularly difficult to handle with grace: listening to equals and to “inferiors”. At first glance there’s no reason you should give any weight to an equal or inferior’s opinion. Someone who’s your equal, like a spouse or a coworker, presumably doesn’t have any more insight into what you’re doing than you do, so there’s no real need to heed their advice. You have no reason to trust them. And if it’s someone who’s your inferior, say a child, a teenager, or someone who’s diaper you once changed, it’s really hard to take him/her seriously since he/she presumably knows less than you do. Yet if we disregard what he/she has to say we could be missing out on some really useful feedback.
For the Superior
The lesson here is to be humble. There are “prophets” in your family and what your spouse is complaining about is probably something you should work on. Another thing to remember is that taking advice from an inferior doesn’t actually mean you’re any less worthy of respect. It just means you’re truly wise. There’s no shame in taking good advice, no matter where it comes from. The most admired companies are the ones unafraid to take suggestions from the janitor if the idea is good. The same thing works for people.
This idea extends to hearing wacky ideas from an inferior too. If Jesus was less strong-willed he might have stopped preaching after hearing such discouraging things from people he cared about and previously respected. How many people haven’t pursued their dreams because an adult lambasted their ideas at a crucial stage? Too many I’m sure. So if your teenager wants to be a surgeon when he grows up, but doesn’t seem to enjoy science, instead of telling him to pick a different goal, try to coax a love of science and get him to understand that biology and being a surgeon go together.
For the Inferior
If you’re the inferior attempting to give advice to a superior, the thing to remember is that you aren’t necessarily wrong even if they don’t listen. Similarly if you’re going against family wisdom and they’re cutting you down to size, take a step back to analyze they’re motives. Sometimes they’re being honest and are just trying to help you be honest with yourself. Sometimes they’re acting out of fear and a narrow worldview. How can you tell the difference? Ask yourself these questions as you analyze their response:
- What is their experience with the issue? Are you venturing into uncharted territory? Are you being called an idealist? Many people are scared of the unknown, and if they care about you they may try to inflict their fear onto you… for your own good. If this is the case you can safely filter out their advice, especially if you’ve thought through your decision. Instead, look elsewhere for support.
- How violent is their reaction? If your dad’s yelling and screaming at you over your analysis of his behavior you may be touching a nerve. Take heart, you’re probably onto something. On the other hand if the reaction is thoughtful and non-reactive that either means you’re on the wrong path or he’s in major denial. Ultimately there’s not much you can do here. Examine the situation some more, and if you still believe you’re right and that his behavior needs to change, try to garner support from some people he’s more likely to take seriously. If that doesn’t work, emotionally detach. Don’t let him affect you. It’s not worth the effort.
- Are they trying to help you? You have a great idea but your significant other shoots it down. Is she saying that you’re incapable or is she trying to help you find a better way to accomplish your goals. If you’re not sure which it is, ask. Phrase your question something like this, “Are you attacking my goal or my method?” Then take it from there. You might have a partner who’ll help you succeed!
Once you’ve analyzed the situation you should be able to proceed in an empowered way.
It’s a shame when good people refuse to listen to the messages that they need to hear. It’s depressing when smart kids are socialized to believe they’re incapable of achieving their dreams. This sort of thing happens way too often. Luckily we have the power to stay present in the face of painful advice. We have the power to empower others. It just takes a bit of consciousness and a bit of practice.
Tags:
Emotional Health, Relationships.
Posted at
4:35 pm | No Comments »
