Dealing With the Dark Night of the Soul
Date Posted: October 24th, 2008
Sooner or later you’re going to experience your own personal “dark night of the soul”… that time when you realize some defining part of you must be removed. It isn’t working anymore or maybe it never actually worked in the first place and now it definitely has to go. It’s a scary, uncomfortable time because what has to be removed has been a part of you. Practically by definition it’s something you’re attached to. Needless to say, getting through this period successfully is not an easy or simple task. There’s an overwhelming temptation to continue on your original path because it’s more comfortable, more known, and because you don’t know where your new path will lead. For all you know your new future could be worse than what you’re experiencing right now. There’s no way to tell.
So how do you transcend the transition? How do you thrive? How do you keep from retreating into your old ways? Here are a few things I do to keep myself grounded and to hang on until the fog passes.
Exercise
This may sound a bit silly, but believe me, I’m not overstating it’s importance. An easy way to clear a bit of the fog away is to exercise. Go for a walk or a bike ride or dancing or whatever. Once you’ve done that (and even while you’re doing it) you should feel pretty good for at least two reasons: 1) endorphins will kick in which will cause you to feel happier and more clear headed 2) it’s something you did (are doing) that you know is good for you. Which brings me to the second piece of advice:
Do Something Good For You
The idea here is to do something small that you know is good for you and is definitely within your capability. Maybe you could schedule that doctor’s appointment you were supposed to make a year ago or cook a healthy meal or read that self-help book you’ve been meaning to read. Each task you complete act as a hand-hold you can grab onto when you start feeling overwhelmed or incapable of succeeding. They’re proof that you are indeed capable of doing good things for yourself.
Don’t give in to the temptation to do something major, though, because if the task is too complicated or too time-consuming you probably won’t finish it. It’s hard enough to muster the motivation when you’re feeling generally good about yourself, let alone when you’re in a mental fog! Also you want to start feeling the benefit quickly, so a time-consuming task is right out for this purpose even if it is easy.
One thing to note, “something good for you” is not the same as “something that makes you feel good”. Examples of the latter would be going shopping, drinking, watching TV, eating your favorite foods, etc. They’re all things that feel good but are not necessarily good for you. A rule of thumb here is if it feels good but you feel at least slightly guilty after doing it it’s probably not good for you and you certainly shouldn’t choose that as your “good for you” task. In small doses this kind of thing can be useful, but if it’s your primary strategy you’ll probably backslide because it’s essentially mind-numbing, not mind healing.
An analogy: comforting yourself is like taking numbing throat drops because your throat is sore after a full day of talking. Once you take them your throat no longer hurts so you can continue to talk without any pain, but your throat hasn’t actually healed. If you do keep talking you’ll still be hurting yourself only you won’t feel it. There’s a reason you have pain receptors after all. Your body doesn’t want you destroying yourself. Similarly if your way of dealing with your Dark Night is to reward yourself for being in pain, you’re only numbing yourself to the pain. You have a way to make yourself feel better, but you don’t have a way to heal. Feeling the pain of the Dark Night is important because it’s incentive to become a better person. If you numb yourself too much you lose the incentive. Of course taking throat drops doesn’t imply that you will hurt yourself by continuing to talk and likewise comforting yourself doesn’t mean you’re unable to heal. You’re just taking away a bit of your natural incentive to move forward.
Doing something good for you, while similar to comforting yourself since the goal is to improve the way you feel, doesn’t have the negative side effects that comforting yourself does. Keeping with the “sore throat” analogy, doing something good for you is like drinking lots of cool water. Your throat feels mildly better, but the important thing is that you’re helping your body heal itself. Having faith in your ability to conquer your fears is essential to actually conquering them, and doing something good for you can generate that faith.
Journaling
Journaling is a useful technique because it can help you organize and understand your thoughts. Also it’s easier to break negative thought cycles because you can tell yourself “I don’t need to think about this anymore. I’ve already written this down!”.
When I’m dealing with “Dark Night of the Soul” issues, I try to keep my journal writing focused on only a handful of topics:
- Where am I Going?: Once I’m out of the fog where do I want to be? What should have changed?
- What’s holding me back?:What am I attached to? What am I afraid of giving up? What am I afraid of experiencing?
- What do I do Next?: What steps do I need to take to get out of this?
These topics together form my path to getting out of the fog. Since they’re written down I can look at them a day, a week, or a month later to see if they still make sense. And even if I don’t review my journal entries, merely the process of writing out my thoughts has been really effective in helping me gain clarity.
Honestly these three techniques get me 90% of the way there. My physical body is working with me, I have faith in my ability to pull myself out of the darkness, and I have clarity about where I’m going, why I’m not there yet, and what I still need to do. The last 10% is just putting myself in motion, and that’s mostly dependent on clarity. If where I’m going is compelling enough, (and what I was/am is unappealing enough) I’ll not only do the work to get there but want to do it too. With these tools it’s hard to backslide.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
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